


Remember

by sambuclay



Series: Remember & Commemorate [1]
Category: MCU, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Mental Health Issues, PTSD, Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, Trauma, bucky recovery, every chapter will have its own more specific content warning, sad but hopeful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 09:29:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 40,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21847474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sambuclay/pseuds/sambuclay
Summary: To know who he is nowadays, James will have to look back to the man he once was. This is a story about self rediscovery, acceptance and growth.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson, multiple wholesome friendships, sambucky
Series: Remember & Commemorate [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1604827
Comments: 12
Kudos: 41





	1. LONGING

**Author's Note:**

> This is a project I have been working on for a while now, I decided to write it as a whole because it was easier for me to see it finish. I just want to say thank you so much if you have decided to give it a chance and go on this adventure with me!
> 
> I want to also thank my friendos for dealing with me while I was working on this, for their feedback and their excitement which made me much more inspired to continue writing. You guys are awesome! 
> 
> _#PROTECTBUCKYBARNES_
> 
> P.S. I also like doing a bit of extra dumb shit and if you want to check it out here is the "trailer" for this fic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbLTo-4dS6g&feature=youtu.be lol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter includes discussions of:** violence, death, war and brainwash.

No matter how many times James visited Shuri, the complex modernity of her laboratory made him murmur to himself in awe. He enters the main room, the one he had come to know so well, and he waits for her there, though knowing already the procedure, he sits on a chair and takes off his jacket to expose his bionic arm and make it more accessible for the check up. In a screen nearby, words float in a translucent bright background, but his basic knowledge of the language barely let him deduce what it says.

“It is important for the elders to check themselves regularly.” Shuri enters the room with her characteristic smile and walks towards him “How have you been?” she asks now more seriously but without losing that youthful joyful spark on her expression. The last time they saw each other they were attending Tony Stark’s funeral so it was nice to see her again in better circumstances.

“I have been good.” It isn’t his intention to lie but he doesn’t think is a kid’s responsibility to fix all his problems, as much as she is mature and smart, he feels she doesn’t need to deal with this. He shows a smile to her “How are you?”

“Well, I have been very busy.” she sighs softly and then taps the screen. It starts working in ways James doesn’t think he would ever understand. She makes a gesture to indicate him to extend his arm up, when he does, a holographic cylinder surrounds it and starts scanning “You know, I have a lot of responsibilities around here, but it is very fun." she shrugs “Can you please move your hand?” James closes and opens his hand, though it seems one of the fingers shows resistance, and Shuri points it out “There seems to be internal damage in one of the connectors.” she says amplifying the picture on the screen to see what is causing the problem.

James always finds interesting when she starts explaining her process, honestly fascinated by how many things are possible nowadays, but in that moment he zones out, there is something else on the back of his mind. Shuri is only eighteen years old, and she is the leader of her own laboratory, an expert in her field, that brings a small smile to his lips, however, she also makes him think about his own life, reflect about things he may have never doubted before, but that now looking back, prove to be questionable.

He was two years older than her when he enlisted in the military, Steve was even younger when he tried for the first time. He knows his friend particularly was a rare exception of someone who truly believed he would do so much good if he joined the tropes. However, when he genuinely thought about himself, from the point of view of the man he was now, he knows deep down, his reasons were very different. His father, and his father before him, were soldiers, proud men that gave their lives for their country, examples of patriotism, of strength, of what it meant to be heroes, and he wonders now what all that really means. If perhaps his impressionable young self, born and raised among soldiers, thought he had to hold a weapon and take a life to be more as he should, because he wasn’t a man his father would be proud of anyway. He let himself soak into patriotism, ideals of masculinity he had to meet, the type of man he had to become, and he accepted his future may be to die in battle like they did, and feel proud about it.

God, he was so wrong. Why would anyone think sending their children to a war was a good idea? Why would they make their kids believe that it was their only choice? How many lives were lost because of the selfishness of older generations willing to sacrifice their children to a stale sentiment? But what concerned him the most wasn’t the past, he couldn’t really change it, but he worried they were doing it again, and not just the military but them, with Shuri and Peter. 

“Can you move your hand?” Shuri asks getting him out of his own thoughts for a moment. He moves the fingers, closes the hand in a fist then opens it, and finally rolls his wrist “Perfect… everything seems to work now.” she taps the screen a few more times, and the cylinder disappears.

“Thank you.” he says as he stands up.

“No problem.” she replies “I am glad that I could check it out, especially after such a big battle, it was a wise decision to come here." she mocks as if implying he is very old and that's why he is wise. 

James smirks at her comment with a joke on the tip of his tongue, but the word  _ battle _ coming out of her mouth so nonchalantly makes the smile go away very quickly. He takes his jacket and puts it on as she finishes up something on the computer. 

“You are such a bright kid,” he says frankly as he places properly the collar of his jacket “and you have such a big future ahead of you, don’t let the decisions of other people affect what you want to pursue.” 

Shuri looks at him slightly confused but she ends up smiling playfully.

“Are you getting emotional now that you are leaving, grandpa?”

“Just giving some old wise advice.” James scoffs.

“You know you can come see me every time you want.” she keeps mocking.

“It’s not that.” James laughs. Though it was true, he was going to miss seeing her everyday. He was obviously there to do the check up, but the deeper motive to be there was to say goodbye. For a few years he had lived at Wakanda, thanks to the generosity of T’challa and his family, he had been able to have a peaceful existence, to slowly put himself back together. However, when this peace was interrupted, he realized that there was still a lot of himself he had to rediscover, and for that perhaps he needed to explore more and get out of there for a while.

Shuri walks by him with her permanent smile, and he follows her out of the room. Her perkiness and energy often made him think of his sister. If he had seen Rebecca grow up, he wonders if she had been such a fun and lovely woman, if perhaps she would have made jokes about his age, and had laughed at his poor understanding of younger generations. The last memory he had about his sister was her, nine years old, with her favorite flower dress, waving goodbye as she cried when he left in 1941. For some reason, the memory of her face is so clear in his mind, but he barely remembers his mother that day, maybe because he didn’t want to look at her, because if he saw any change in her expression, any pain or sadness in her eyes, he would have stayed. And what did that make him? A coward? Not enough of a man? He hates that he thought that, he wishes he could remember his mother’s expression now as his last memory of her.

“Brother,” Shuri’s voice alerts him, as they cross paths with T’Challa accompanied by Sam “Captain Wilson.” 

James looks as both of them, a candid smile shows on his face. He salutes T'Challa though the king seems to negate with his head, and then looks at Sam, who before he can do anything, is already giving him a big strong pat on the shoulder. 

"Hello, Mr Barnes." Sam says obviously joking "I'm your new caregiver." 

"Ah… fuck off." he says amused but slightly annoyed, he usually doesn't mind the jokes about age, especially coming from Shuri, but Sam has the ability to get under his skin easier than most. 

Sam laughs and shakes his head then points behind him with his thumb.

"The jet is ready, we can leave whenever you are." he smiles showing the small gap between his teeth. 

"All my things are there already, so… I think…I'm ready." he turns around and gives Shuri a hug "You are my favorite granddaughter." he jokes before separating. They both exchange a smile, and then he faces T'Challa "Thank you for all your kindness, for everything you did to help me." instead of saluting, he extends his hand and T'Challa shakes it.

"You were a victim of Zemo like my father, I wanted to make sure I could help you find your peace." T'Challa says "If you are ever in need, Wakanda will always be your refuge." 

"I truly appreciate that." He starts walking away towards the takeoff platform, Sam walks by his side silently. There isn't much he can say, it feels strange, overwhelming even, to leave Wakanda, which had been for the past few years the closest to a home he had. 

When he steps inside the jet and Sam sits down to start piloting it, he stands there for a moment as the door closes behind him, and takes a deep breath in and out. 

The last time he travelled on a jet like this the pilot was Steve. He sighs. The airplane starts moving and he makes his way to a seat near Sam, though he doesn't say anything and just looks out the window. It's odd to think is just the two of them now, but he finds himself repeating in his thoughts that he is very happy for his friend. 

"You alright?" Sam asks. 

"Hmm…" it takes a moment for James to answer, he could lie to Sam like he lied to Shuri, but the other man seemed like he would easily see through that "It's strange how I feel, I don't know how to explain it."

Sam raises an eyebrow. 

"Try." his voice sounds calm and gentle. 

James feels weirdly thankful for Sam's considerate approach, but he isn't sure if he should talk to Sam about it, because one of the concerns Steve left behind was the very nature of his relationship with Sam. He wonders if he just felt sorry for him or that he really had to become his caregiver because Steve was gone. 

"Everything feels strange without Steve…" he admits "I'm so used to being with him, you know… best friends since we were kids all that…" he combs his hair with his fingers to move it out of his face "I thought…" he pauses "It's not like…" he tries to think what exactly he means to say "I'm happy he is happy." He feels pathetic saying that, as if trying to compensate with those words all those times he had wished Steve had stayed for him. 

Sam side eyes him for a second not wanting to lose concentration as they fly. 

"But…" Sam says trying to make him talk more. 

"But nothing." James doesn't feel brave enough to continue. 

Sam nods, as the airplane moves under his command they can feel a brief instability that makes James uneasy, but he is quick to make things calm again. 

"Can I say something?" Sam asks. 

James looks at him in silence for a moment. 

"Sure."

"It's okay to not be okay." Sam eyes move slightly to the side to look at him and then immediately back to the front window. 

James stays quiet again, and he does for the rest of the trip. Sam is kind and respects his silence, and he appreciates that. 

Adapting to modern times was a challenge in its own right, but losing his friend, and therefore the only person who loved him and knew him before HYDRA, made things seem way more difficult. He wonders if the person he was today was lovable at all, if anyone would truly care for a traumatized unstable sad man if it wasn't for his connection to the former Captain America. He is nothing close to who he used to be, but Steve half full glass attitude did the trick to convince people he was a suitable ally. 

"We are here." Sam says as the jet slowly descends.

The Avengers facility appears before them as they get closer to the landing zone. Among the green grass of the terrain, the big gray building seems a strong contraposition, rather ugly in James opinion, though equally fascinating for the modernity of the architecture. 

When the plane lands, Sam is the first to stand up and clicks the button that will open the hatch. James stands second, when he is sure the plane won't move again he then walks to the back of the jet to get his bags. They aren’t very full. He doesn't own much, some clothes, the cheapest cell phone he could get, a couple of pens and his notebooks. He puts the backpack over one of his shoulders, and carries the bag with clothes with his other hand. 

Once the door is open and the ramp is down, he walks beside Sam until their feet are on solid ground. 

"So this is home now, huh?" he says trying to sound satisfied. 

"It seems like it…” Sam says not seeming very happy “I’m already looking for an apartment.” he huffs “This place must be equipped and all fancy,” he points around as they enter the building “but it feels like a military camp…” 

James can agree with it, most people, if not everyone who lives there is part of S.H.I.E.L.D. or The Avengers Initiative, it feels very much like all of them are ready to fight, which depending on which mission he guesses is a good attitude, but in general it feels strange to call home a place like that.

Before he realizes they have walked to the rooms, at some point, Maria Hill had joined them and was talking with Sam as he slowly walked behind them. She was showing James the new installations, the conference room, the gym, the kitchen, and finally the bedrooms, but he just partially listened to that.

“This is yours,” she gives James an identification card “this will grant you access to all the zones on the building, of course, for some of them you will need special permission, but in general terms, it’s like a master key, it also works as a personal key to your room, no one else can open it unless granted permission by yourself.” she explains “I will let you get set.” she gives them a little nod and then leaves.

James looks at his card and then at Sam.

“107.” he says.

“Hey, you are right by my side.” Sam says cheerfully and then looks in his pocket to get his own card “109.”

They both walk a few more metres looking around, until they find the rooms, they are side by side just like Sam said.

“Well, if you need anything, let me know.” Sam passes his card on a lector right on the door and it opens. He waits for a moment to see James do the same with his own, and when he is done, Sam smiles and goes inside his room closing the door behind.

James finds himself standing for a moment in front of his door, pensive. That very small moment made him smile and he isn’t sure why. Once he realizes he should probably enter the room, he discovers a surprisingly big space.

He leaves the bags on the floor as if taking off a big weight, he doesn’t want to think right now about if he would actually be able to accomodate this space to himself, so he sighs and then lets himself fall to the bed. 

It’s too soft. 


	2. RUSTED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter includes discussions of:** grief, and familial death.   
> **This chapter includes depictions of:** weapons use, PTSD, anxiety and panic attack.

Fall colors everything with a nostalgic tone, the yellow and brown leaves, ever changing and covering the floor, reminds James of how his sister loved to step over them, and how the satisfactory crunch under her shoe would make her laugh in awe. It is ironic to think that the fall and death of something could make someone else have a joyful moment. An ending can also be a beginning he guesses.

He takes a sip of his coffee as he looks through the window at the Avengers compound. The drink is hot and it makes him softly lick his lips and blow in an effort to make it more bearable. 

“This coffee tastes like dirty water.” he complains to himself since no one else seems to be awake at this hour.

James moves away from the window then sits down on the kitchen table near a pumpkin shaped bowl that peter brought a week ago. There is still some candy left in it, but he hadn’t been tempted to get any until now. He takes a small chocolate and unwraps it to then put it in his mouth whole.

“Good morning.” Wanda enters the kitchen, she seems surprised to find someone else awake at that hour. 

“Hfefy.” he tries to say but his mouth is full so he closes his lips tight together and looks at her for a moment.

Wanda chuckles.

“Can I?” she points at the bowl and James pushes it softly on her direction.

Wanda sits opposite him and takes a chocolate bar. The silence becomes a little more awkward while she prepares herself a cup of tea. They weren’t that close, James knows she helped Steve when they wanted to protect him, they fought side by side in Wakanda, and had seen each other around the compound sometimes, but they had never really had the time to sit together by themselves and chat. 

Wanda looks older than she is, tired, as if she had lived through so much she couldn’t even tell. There is a certain something in her eyes that James recognizes because he saw it in the mirror every day, and it disgusts him that a twenty something years old had to feel this way in modern times. When he went to the war he thought, maybe naively, that war would eventually end, that the conflict would be over, that people will learn, that no more kids would be sent to their death. He wonders if Peter and Shuri would eventually lose their naivete as well, like it seemed Wanda had. 

“So… you can’t sleep?” James asks, maybe there are some things he could say to help her, if she wanted.

“Hmm?” Wanda takes her cup of tea and sits down, while the tea gets a little colder over the kitchen table, she opens the chocolate bar and take a small bite “I keep having these dreams, you know?” she says with a pained expression “I think they mean something… I see my brother Pietro, my parents… Vis…” she says looking down to the table “They are telling me something… I don’t know what it is…” her eyes dart around nervously but then they look up back at him “but I just know that I miss them.” she admits sadly.

James knows the feeling too well, grief. So many friends he witnessed die in battle, his own family, he saw those faces in dreams at times too. 

"And you?" Wanda asks perhaps wanting to move the attention away from her. 

"The bed… is just not good." James complains though is partially true, the bed is still too soft for him, but that's not really the reason why he is awake at six in the morning. However, he is more interested in listening to Wanda than talking himself “Your family… how were they?”

Wanda looks at him for a moment, she seems to doubt if talk about it or not, she takes a sip of the tea and then leaves it down on the table between her hands, as if looking for the warmth.

“My parents died when I was very young, they were loving and kind, considering we didn’t have much to begin with… they gave their kids the best life they could, we had such a happy childhood… Pietro, he was always there for me, he was my twin, we were inseparable… I never could have imagined my life without him…” she pauses looking down into the tea as if trying to find her words on the bottom of the cup “Vis…” she keeps looking at the cup “he taught me to look at the world differently… to enjoy everything as if it was brand new… to get excited about life again.” a sad smile forms on her lips and then she looks up again.

For a lack of words, James places his hand closer to the middle of the table almost near where she has her own. He imagines it may not be as comforting coming from him, but he knows he appreciates when someone tries with a gesture, so he offers his hand to hold. Wanda looks at it for a few seconds that seem eternal but she finally places his hand on his and the sad smile appears again.

There is no words he can say that could make her feel better. Eventually, he knows, the good memories of her family would be the things that will make her smile instead of crying when she thinks about them, but for that it takes a while to process, and she deserves all the time she needs. 

“Do you miss him?” Wanda asks unexpectedly and she doesn’t have to say a name for him to know who she means.

“Every day.” he knows the comparison is not fair, Steve is not dead, he is just gone, but that Wanda is unaware of. He isn’t lying though, he misses his friend, he was the only person that made him feel connected to this time, now he was learning to connect on his own, and it was so much harder, and at times it felt very lonely “Wanda…” he says out of the sudden “You know you don’t have to stay, don’t you? That if this is too much responsibility for you, you can go.” he holds her hand tighter “You have your whole life ahead of you, and if you decide to live it on your terms no one will stop you.”

Wanda nods.

“I stay because I want to… because this is my home now, the avengers, they are my family now, and… I have learned so much thanks to them, I… want to be able to help others too.” this time her smile seems more happy and genuine.

James is surprised but he doesn’t express it, maybe because he couldn’t get to call this place a home he never thought anyone else would think about it that way, even Sam who usually sees the half glass full, was saying he wanted to leave the moment he stepped inside.

Suddenly his phone vibrates in his pocket, but as he is reaching for it, letting go of Wanda, he is stopped in the middle of the action by Sam stepping in the kitchen.

“Hey, you two, good morning.” he says with a way too cheerful tone for someone who just woke up “Don’t check that, man, it was me, I went to look for you but I didn’t find you in your room so I texted.” he points at James’ phone.

“Good morning, Sam.” Wanda seems to light up, maybe affected by his energy.

James leaves his phone on the table, the screen lit up with a text message on the front that said “where u at”, but he doesn’t bother to open it and the screen goes back to black. He rises his cup of coffee and makes a salute to Sam with it, then takes a sip.

“You and I got a new mission,” he looks at James and then walks by to get the toaster “we leave in an hour… did you get breakfast already?” he says to both of them.

Wanda shows him the chocolate bar, James nods.

“That’s not a breakfast.” he says to Wanda not really upset but with a tone that makes it seem like a reprimand “What do you put in your toast?” he says as he gets two slices of bread and put them in the toaster "Do you want some eggs?" 

“Don’t make me anything!” Wanda laughs standing to get near Sam and stop him.

“It’s too late, girl.” Sam chuckles jokingly gesturing to make her go away.

They have a fun little banter and James gets distracted by them, a smile forms on his lips, there is a connection there, genuine care for each other, he wonders if he really fits in all of it, but for that small moment he decides to believe he does. 

An hour later, a group of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, Sharon, Sam and James are on their way to a mission on the other side of the globe. Long distances seemed so short thanks to the advanced technology, James can’t avoid a small gasps of admiration as he looks out sitting near a window seeing how soon they will arrive. However, his eyes get distracted from it following Sam as he walks by in his new uniform. Covered in red, white and blue, he looks like a hero, he looks like he is able to protect everybody, though he realizes he always looks like he can, uniform or not. So effortly selfless. He wonders how he makes it look so easy. As his eyes follow some seams and details on the back of Sam's suit, what he considers an inappropriate thought crosses his mind and he is overwhelmed by a sense of embarrassment and shame.

“Are you alright?” Sharon’s voice takes him out of that head espace as she sits next to him.

“I… yeah” he replies quickly to avoid her realizing anything.

“I heard from Sam you are scared of heights, if you need anything, let me know.” she said worriedly.

“Scared of heights…? I’m fine with planes, I feel safe here.” James makes an awkward expression “I mean I’m not scared, it is more when there are open espaces at high altitude, you know… that sensation of being able to fall… it is…” he tries to explain.

Sharon looks at him with an incredulous expression as if trying to hold a smile or even a laughter back, she is obviously not buying his complicated way around his fears just to not admit he is actually scared of something.

“Right… right...” she pretends to believe him “Well, if you need anything else, let me know…” she is about to move away but he stops her.

“Wait, actually… I wanted to ask you for a favor.” he hesitates.

“What is it?” she asks surprised.

“I know you are good at finding people, so I was wondering if perhaps you could help me find someone… I’m not sure if she is still alive, but I would love to know what happened to my sister.” for the first time he says that out loud and half way through it he can’t avoid feeling a knot in his stomach.

“Oh… yes, of course.” she nods with a smile “Just give me all the information you have on her and I will do my best to find anything I can.”

“Thank you.” he smiles too.

Suddenly the jet descends getting closer to the objective and for a moment they go through some turbulences, out of instinct James holds onto Sharon’s arm, and she chuckles. When he realizes, he is quick to move his hand away, but she obviously noticed.

“It’s okay.” she says still with a happy expression on her face.

Once the plane seems more steady, Sam calls for the group to reunite in front, they divide the mission in areas, and everyone gets prepared to jump out with their parachutes. One by one the agents jump, but James keeps staying behind until Sam puts his hand on his shoulder with a smirk.

“Come on, man, you are with me.” Sam gives him a parachute and gets ready himself, though he has wings of his own. He seems to wait so they can both leave the plane at the same time. To make sure James is okay Sam jumps right behind, and he appreciates that. 

When he jumps, at first it feels good, he sees Sam opening his extraordinary red wings into the night sky and is a sight to remember, but as he looks down and starts descending his mind plays tricks on him. 

Steve’s hand just a few centimetres away. 

The fall. The blood. His arm. 

The intense pain. 

The burning cold of the snow starting to cover his body. 

The fear of dying. 

“James!” he hears Sam’s voice calling him through the earpiece. 

He hasn’t opened his parachute and he is going down fast, if he doesn’t have time to react and open it in time, he thinks he can survive the fall thanks to his fast healing and durability, but before he can even act on it or get ready for the impact he notices himself float. Sam is grabbing him by the shoulder and with agility makes his way down to the floor, leaving James carefully standing, and landing himself a few metres away.

“Are you okay? What happened?” he tries to check James’ parachute to see if it is defective “James, talk to me.” 

James is just standing there slightly in shook, that succession of images had made him freeze on the spot. Everything was mixing again and he feels like he can’t breathe. 

“Is everything alright?” Sharon, who was waiting for them, runs to meet the pair seeing how there seems to be problems.

“Something’s wrong.” Sam puts his hands firm over James’ shoulders "James." he says again this time more direct. 

James eyes finds his, he can't hide the confusion and terror he is feeling at that moment.

"What's up?" Sam insists. Sharon looks worried behind him. 

"I…" he locks eyes with Sharon and then looks back at Sam "I'm terrified of heights."

Sam raises an eyebrow with a skeptical look. 

"What?" the question is asked in between what it seems an annoyed chuckle. 

"I froze." James tries to sound convincing. 

Sam seems more and more upset by the moment. 

"Okay." he takes his hands off James' shoulders and starts walking, there is a forest they have to cross to join the group who already advanced and he leads the way. 

James knows there is no way he fooled Sam, but for some reason he decides to not fight him on this. Sam's expression is serious and he wonders what is going through his mind. Sharon walks by, her radio sounds at times and she gave the other agents indications on how to proceed. 

At the point of reunion near a huge warehouse, the team divides again to surround the building, and take down and detain the people inside as organized and quick as possible. The group starts getting closer to the building from different angles. Sam looks at James and offers him his hand, with the advantage of flying, of course he is going to be the one to attack from above. 

"Are you coming? You can go with the team on the ground if you prefer." there is a certain tone in his voice that James doesn't like. 

" _ Fuck. _ " he thinks, Sam really looks upset. 

He decides to go with him, and Sam flies both of them to the top, meanwhile Sharon leads one group on the ground. The door on the rooftop is easy to open with his bionic arm, though Sam doesn’t let him go first, he closes his wings and takes the shield of his back placing it before them and starts going down the stairs.

The missions seems to be going well, they hear Sharon and other agents positive transmissions, but as they get closer to the second level the sound of gunshots becomes clearer and James has a visceral reaction to them. 

“Captain.” Sharon voice sounds on the radio “We confiscated the illegal armament, and detained most of the suspects, but we believe some of them escaped to the superior level, are you guys in position?”

“Yes, we are ready.” Sam replies, his words sound distance and distorted for James. It feels as he is living the situation from a different place. His breathing is becoming more anxious, his skin feels cold and sweaty and he takes a step backwards on the stairs.

“I… I’m not killing any more people.” he says, voice trembling and a haunted look.

“What?” Sam turns around “We aren’t killing an…” he stops in the middle of the sentence realizing in which state James is “It’s okay… we aren’t killing anyone.” he needs to be paying attention boths ways, and his eyes fidget between the bottom of the stairs and James’ face “Go up stairs, wait for me there, go upstairs.” he says serious and authoritative. 

James looks at him completely lost, as he is listening to the words but not understanding their meaning.

“Alright, don’t move.” Sam says nervously “I’ll be here in a moment.” Sam grabs the shield strongly, his hand feels sweaty under his glove but he knows he has to be confident no matter what, with James unavailable is him against whoever is outside. When he gets to the end of the stairs, as he visualizes the group of men scattered through the room, he takes the shield and with all the might on his body throws it through the room making it bounce around and hit some of them. Damn, Steve made it look easy. 

James observes as Sam disappears from the stairs and gets lost into the room, he tries to extend his hand trying to grab him, to stop him, he doesn’t want to be alone, but he can’t move. He hears shooting and graunting, and heavy breathing. However, the noises start mixing all together and he can’t really distinguish anything anymore. His legs give in and he sits on one of the steps of the stairs as he covers his ears with his hands and prays for everything to be over.

“They are going to hurt him, he is going to die and it’s my fault.” James says to himself as he looks down the stairs, but his body won’t move, he can’t. He can’t. He tries to move his hand to the gun but he can’t, even the bionic arm seems stuck. He hears Sam through the radio, Sharon seems to come on his aid, but the sound of the guns silences everything else.

The only thing James can see in his mind is blood and death.

“It’s done, we are leaving.” Sharon’s voice says as her hand touches his shoulder, James isn’t sure how much time has happened but he is glad he isn’t alone anymore. She helps him stand and they go down, there are several men being handcuffed and taken away, and Sam stands in the middle of the room with tiredness on his face.

"I'm sorry, Sam." James says as they walk by.

"It's fine.” Sam shakes his head "But don't lie to me again.”

Some hours later, Sharon and Sam walk through the corridors of the Avengers compound, their expressions say everything, they are tired and worried, but they both know it has nothing to do with the actual mission. 

"I knew he was lying when he said it was the heights...” Sam says to her as he stops walking “ but… I guess I thought he knew he could… I don't know what I thought…" he pauses showing an upset expression "He has PTSD I recognized it, I had heard him scream, through the wall, at night, with nightmares…” he says with sadness in his tone “I have known many people in this condition and still…knowing it, I didn’t stop him..." he says feeling guilty.

"He is quiet, he doesn't like to show what he is thinking… that’s not your fault..." Sharon adds "He needs to know that’s not healthy.”

"He is an idiot.” Sam says frustrated "I just want him to be safe… I want to help him." 

"Things like these are difficult… the person who needs help has to want it." she looks at him with a comforting expression.

They both stay in silence, they had walked a few metres more and they are close to James’ room, Sharon gives Sam a soft pat on the shoulder. 

"I think he will feel more comfortable just talking to you, I will inform about the mission." she starts walking away.

"Sharon…” Sam calls her attention before she leaves “Tell Fury we aren’t taking James to any more missions..." 

They both look at each other with a pained expressions. 

"I will." she leaves. 

Sam knocks on the door, then enters the room unlocking it with his card as he had previous authorized permission. James is sitting on the bed. He is blankly staring at the wall, thinking, feeling, way too many things at the same time.

"Man, what were you thinking?" Sam’s voice sounds soft and calm but definitely frustrated, he slowly walks in and sits down next to him.

James is frustrated about his choices too, but he doesn’t know how to express it. He is afraid to tell him, to admit he just doesn’t want to be left behind, cast aside, he wants to feel like he can do anything, like everyone else. Why can’t he feel about himself the way he feels about Sam? That selfless heroism, so innate, that both Steve and he had. James didn’t feel like it was in him, every choice he ever made was tainted by fear, and now all that is catching up with him, haunting him not only in dreams, but in life too.

"I can help, I'm not useless." he says weakly.

"But you are the one who needs help, what is all this nonsense?” Sam says worriedly “Don't you see how you put yourself and others in danger?" 

James says nothing. What can he say really, he knows Sam is right but he doesn’t want to admit it. 

"I took you out of the missions..." Sam says directly. 

James looks betrayed, though he knows Sam is right to do that. But he is afraid he doesn’t have any other thing he could be doing instead. 

"You need a break, you have to find help." Sam insists.

"I had a break for five years." James says slightly upset looking down at the floor. During all that time he hadn’t been able to look at Sam at his face, not even on the plane on the way back. He just couldn’t face the fact that he had disappointed him.

"We were dead." Sam replies sadly.

A silence invaded the room and it feels unreal and deep, as if nothing could ever create a sound to interrupt it. Sam hand touches James face and with a gentle move he makes him turn to look at him.

"You have to take care of yourself, own your life before you throw yourself into this job again… I know you want to help others, but first you have to help yourself. Airplane emergency protocol metaphor and all that." Sam shows a small soft smile.

James knows if he was alone he would be crying, he feels helpless, as if a heavy weight had been placed inside him and it was sinking deeper and deeper, but he doesn’t know how to reach it, how to take it away, or what would it make it weigh less. As Sam puts his arms around him and embraces him in a tight hug, he realizes perhaps there are people who can read him better than he thinks he is hiding, he accepts the hug and puts his arms around him too. He wants to say something like thank you, but words won’t come up right now. He hopes Sam understands when he hugs him tighter. 


	3. FURNACE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter includes discussions of:** grief, sibling death, homophobia, internalized homophobia, brainwash and war.
> 
> **This chapter includes depictions of:** self-doubt and anxiety.

James hates the snow, he hates the cold, he hates winter. He is covered head to toe in thick winter clothes, especially making sure his bionic arm was kept warm. He is glad for his long hair that helps covering his ears and the back of his neck, but he had stolen a hat from Sam to get himself warmer anyway. 

Now that Sam had finally found an apartment, and that James had been excused for the job, it made sense for him to move out of the compound, and his friend was quick to offer him to share the place together. James was glad because thinking about it, he didn’t know where to start to look for a home. Though now Sam had to deal with “sharing” things with him, because he still didn’t have many things of his own.

As he gets in the car at 7 am he starts cursing in russian to himself, but he had to do it, this was important. If he calculated correctly the trip from New York to Shelbyville would be around twelve hours counting that he would probably have to stop to eat at some point. He knows that nowadays mobile phones can help with locations but he doesn’t really know how to make his work with the car, so he has on his backpack a regular map that he opens before starting the trip where he had written down what road to follow and where was a good place to get gas and a lunch break. 

After a few weeks of search, Sharon had finally given him the information he needed about his sister. Their mother and her moved from New York back to Indiana a year later after "his death". She lived with their mother until she became legally an adult, got married in her 20s, later in life she would become a nurse, she never got to have children, but it seemed like she found a good man to spend the rest of her life with. James reads these documents with a smile on his face, it looked like her life was good and that made him happy. She died in 2014, at the age of 82, and she had a beautiful life and was buried next to her husband in Shelbyville, or that’s what her obituary said.

Now, James won’t have the chance to talk to her again, but at least he could visit her somehow. As he puts on the seatbelt and starts driving, he realizes how cruel and twisted life can be, the dates dance on his mind, but he can be sure he could have had the chance to talk to his sister one last time before she passed. In 2014, he was awaken by Alexander Pierce and he would become the Winter Soldier once again, and for the last time. As he stops in a red light on his way out of the city, he hits the wheel frustrated. If he could had remembered before, if he had more information more than a phrase and a vague memory of a friend, if he could have known who he was through his own memory instead of a badly written piece on a museum, maybe, then maybe he could have found his sister and tell her he loved her just one more time. 

Inadvertently, however, she left something behind for him. Sharon could get a hold of an old safe to her name, and the content had been sent to James with the documents. None other that his own soldier tag was given to her all those years ago, and she had kept it until her dying day, as such an important possession. 

As the car goes out of the city and the road starts looking all the same, the sun slowly comes out to salute him and his phone vibrates. 

A message.

“Hey app,” James says out loud, recently Peter had helped him install an app to read out loud messages or any text when he can’t attend his phone, which he found fascinating “Do I have new messages?”

“You have (1) new message from (Sam).” the app replies.

“Please, read it for me.” James says.

“Dude, what the hell?” the app starts reading “you left already, didn’t even tell me, stole my hat.” 

James chuckles. How was Sam able to always make him smile? He notices his face getting warmer and he blames the hat. Maybe he wore it too much, maybe it wasn’t necessary while inside of the car. Maybe the sun finally hitting the window was making the car feel hotter.

“Anyway good luck. Have a safe trip. (bird emoji) (star emoji)” the app finishes.

James smile grows bigger but he doesn’t reply for now, he knows Sam is spending these days with his family, and he doesn’t want to disturb that quality time. He looks at the clock now visible on the phone, he still has 5 more hours of driving until lunch. Great. 

Time definitely seems to pass slower while driving on roads and landscapes that look all the same under the snow. He swears he has been driving at least for one or two hours, but it’s hard to keep track. James fingers start fidgeting nervously around the wheel as a small traffic jam forms. He probably choose the worst day to make this trip, the beginning of the holidays was always the time everyone was driving to visit their families. He had ditched the hat and coat a few metres ago, throwing them to the co-pilot seat over the backpack while he waited for the cars to move again, it feels like it is going to take forever and the impatience was making him feel nervous and hot.

A few more hours pass, and he thinks he is going to lose it, it hasn’t been his brightest idea to do this trip alone, when lately the only thing he could do was feel loneliness and guilt. These feelings intensify each time he is trying to get a thought going to not get bored. He puts the radio on and shifts the channels from news to worst news, to finally music. He sighs, and the warmth of his breath makes a small cloud that quickly disappears. He clicks the button to control the temperature of the car and makes it warmer. He wonders if he can get sick from this, that would be a discovery.

Almost one hour later, he is trying to distract himself humming along to a song playing on the radio, he doesn’t really know the lyrics, but he swears he has heard it many times before. He thinks modern music is strange, but he can appreciate it, it is impressive what technology can simulate nowadays, though if he can choose, he prefers when real instruments play along the singer. The song switch and this one has a vibe that imitates what he used to know as music, somehow jazzy, very classic, but still has a modern influence in it. He likes this, it feels nostalgic but current. He wonders if that only happens to him, a man out of time, or if other people notice these things in a tune like this, if perhaps he is missing something from the past he can’t obtain today but at the same time missing a connection with today that made him feel more himself than he felt in the past.

His sister crosses his mind again, she lived through all these years, she was pretty old when she died, maybe she listened to this song before and thought it was too noisy, or too old-timey sounding, or maybe she heard it and the lyrics reminded her to her brother, or maybe she never liked to listen to the radio. There was no way for him to know. He smiles bitterly.

Why did she leave their mother? Did she know? Did the fact that she was the name on his tag made her realize? He asks himself, and there is no answer possible. It feels self-centered to think she would have left because of his own issues with his mother, it made no sense to think so, but he prefers to think that than believe she was miserable too. Was she? He also couldn’t know.

The issues with his mother made a breach between them, she always had been his confidant, his friend, but slowly as he grew up and learned more about himself, she started to not like who he was becoming. He wasn’t his father, he would never be, but he could pretend to know how to be a man like him, with his principles, and pride. However, even if he checked all those boxes, there were, or at least, for his mother there were irreconcilable details in which they differed that she just couldn’t accept. 

Simply put, his father, unlike him, wouldn’t go around loving other men. The way his mother looked at him the day she discovered that, it would accompany him for the rest of his life. She had found him, playing around with other boy behind the building he used to live in New York. John, he tries to remember, he thinks John was his name. They were running around, like little boys do, being silly, unpreoccupied, but then he decided to give his friend a small kiss on the lips. It still provoked him shame and embarrassment each time he thought of a man to be more than his friend, because he remembers that day, because he remembers her. Her deep extreme look of sadness and disappointment was burned down on his brain.

_ “You can’t do that again, Jamie.”  _ she said as if it was the worst thing he had ever done  _ “This is what these kids are doing to you, that school you go to isn't good!” _ she kept talking as she grabbed his arm practically dragging him inside the house  _ “You are never seeing this boy again, do you hear me?” _ she almost looked hysterical.

Little did she know, that ironically changing him from that school would make him meet the first man he would ever fall in love with. Stubborn, loyal, with a heart of gold and ready to fight for what was right even with his weak health, Steve didn’t have to do much for James to be head over heels in love with him. 

He turns the wheel and gets on a secondary road to find the nearest gas station. If he looked at the map properly and he calculated right, he should be close to New Stanton. He drives a few metres more and not too far away, he sees what he is looking for. Slowing down and carefully turning to the right, he pulls over to a gas station, gets his coat and hat on, and fills up the tank. When he enters the store to pay, he gets a bottle of water, two chocolate and peanut-butter bars, and a crossword magazine, at times, when he has too much on his mind, it relaxes him to focus on a task like that, and he knows he needs it for this trip. 

He takes his wallet out when he leaves all the things on the counter, and then gives the money to the cashier right before he is going to say the price, he tried to calculate the total amount but he hasn’t yet got used to the much more expensive prices things had nowadays. 

“This is way too much money...” the man on the counter says and points at a little screen where the price shines bright.

“Oh…” James takes some bills away and offers the money again. While the man takes the bills and prepares the change he realizes something “Is there any place to eat nearby?” he asks the cashier.

“Ah…” the man doubts for a second as he hands the change “If you drive down this road, you will find a burger joint.” he points.

“Thanks. Have a nice day.” he tries to be casually nice to strangers, but the guy squints at him as if he didn’t really enjoy his presence. Awkwardly he takes all the things he bought and puts the change in his pocket leaving the store to get in his car.

He starts it again, and a few minutes later he is pulling out on a giant burger joint with an enormous golden M on top. He deduces this was the place because he saw that M associated with burgers before, but he had never eaten in a place like this. He puts everything he bought in his backpack, closes the car and then enters the building.

It's all crowded with families, couples, and groups of friends. He imagines everyone is going back home or on their way to celebrate holidays somewhere special. That makes him feel lonely. He knows is not anyone's fault, but seeing them cheerfully enjoying their meal with their loved ones makes him feel sad, or perhaps jealous. 

He walks to the zone where he sees people asking for food, he orders the simplest menu he can figure out and in a matter of minutes he gets a burger, fries and a drink. He then moves away from the people and sits down in a booth by himself as far as he can. He takes the backpack, the jacket and the hat off and puts them near him on the seat so he doesn't lose them from sight.

James starts eating absently looking up to the empty seat before him. He misses having company, maybe he could have waited to make this trip with Sam, or have asked Sharon to come with him. He kept his feelings to himself, he never really wanted to show this loneliness and sadness to whom he wanted to consider friends, because what if that perfect image they had of him, that James Buchanan Barnes they all heard so much about, didn't match what he was? What would they think? How would they feel about him? 

He hears a giggle that takes him out of his thoughts. There is a kid looking at him poking his head out from behind the seat in front of him. 

"Are you a robot?" the kid asks wide eyed. 

James realizes that the kid is intensely looking at his bionic hand. 

"Not really." he chuckles. 

"Luke, Luke." the kid calls another one who pokes his head timidly from behind the seat too. 

"Are you a superhero?" the so called Luke asks observing the arm as well. He is younger, one of his teeth missing. 

James could argue that. He could get into what being a superhero means or doesn't, or if he really thought he deserved to be called that at all. However, those bright eyes looking at his prosthetic in awe made his day a little kinder. 

"I am." he simply replies smiling when the kids get much more excited. 

"WOW!" the first kid says loudly "And it's your arm like your superpower?" 

James keeps eating while the kids ask questions and giggle excited. 

"Do you know the Avengers?" 

"Are you here on a mission?" 

James chuckles again. It's odd to think about his arm like a positive thing, for many years he could only consider it a weapon, a burden, a reminder of what HYDRA did to him, but now having this new model made by Shuri's bright mind, he could feel more like it was part of him, that is was a helpful hand, and he had to admit seeing the happiness in those kids faces made him appreciate it more too. 

"You could say so." he replies to the first question "I do, yeah, they are my friends." he has to admit now he kind of wants to look cool for the kids "Oh, no, don't worry, everything is fine, I'm just going to visit my family." he tries to avoid them panicking thinking they may be in danger. 

"Is it Hulk going to be there?" 

"Hulk?" James smiles confused, kids loved the big green guy, didn't they "Hulk is going to be there, sure, he is a really fun guy."

"RICHIE, LUKE, COME HERE!" a woman that James assumes is their mother calls them from the other side of the room.

James looks at her finishing his fries. 

"Mom!" Richie shouts confirming the obvious "HE KNOWS THE HULK!" 

"Come on, leave this poor man alone." the mother finally gets closer and puts each hand on each of her children's shoulders "Come on, let's go, dad is with Sussy and we are going to get the car…" both kids look at her with the biggest admiration, James' arm would never be as awesome as their mom and that makes him smile "I'm so sorry." she says as she takes them away. James shakes his head with a kind expression on his face, it really isn't a problem for him. 

Not too long later he is out on the road again. Just six more hours and he is there. His phone vibrates a couple of times but he doesn't check it immediately, he is feeling down again, even though those kids made him smile, there is a part of him that perhaps thinks he doesn’t deserve it. The admiration. What did he really do to deserve that? He didn’t save anybody, he just run and run until he was found and after that he panicked. 

It sinks in, if he hadn’t been found by Steve, would have he been found at all? Would anyone had cared to help him out of the mental control? Would any of these people he so desperately hung onto be anything close to what they were to him today? Maybe if none of that had happened the way it did, he would have been kept in a freezer for another seventy years until another asshole had taken advantage of him.

“But it did happen...” he reminds himself trying to not go down that spiral and make himself feel anxious “It did happen, that’s why I’m here, that’s why my phone won’t stop buzzing.” he takes a deep breath “Hey app,” he calls “Do I have new messages?”

“You have (3) new messages from (Sam), (3) new messages from (Peter), (1) new message from (Sharon).” the app lists.

“Please, read them all for me.” James says.

“Message from (Sharon): Hey, just wondering how you were doing. I know you decided to go out today and visit Indiana. I suppose it’s hard but you won’t admit it. Just wanted to say that if you need to talk you can call me. You don’t have to do everything by yourself.” 

James feels odd about that, Sharon was way too kind, he didn’t feel like he deserved that, he never knew what to do around her, because she knew how to read people so well, so it was harder to pretend when he knew she was looking.

“First message from (Peter):” the app continues, and James wonders what the kid would want from him anyway “Mr. Barnes.” that’s it “Second message from (Peter): I’m sorry, you told me to call you Bucky!” the app stops again, and James frowns confused “Third message from (Peter): I asked Mr. Wilson some advice about dating but he said you would be better at that than him, I just want to take my girlfriend out in New Years, but I don’t know if it is dumb to…” the message goes on but James zones out, why in the hell would Sam think he knows more about dating than him? Life experience? He has to laugh. What and idiot, he probably just didn’t want to deal with this right now and sent him his way… Didn’t Peter have friends his age to ask them about this stuff? He realizes he hasn’t heard the whole message but the app is already done reading it, he decides he will read it later himself and reply properly when he isn’t driving.

“First message from (Sam)” the app announces “Hey, my sister is making some holiday cookies, are you allergic to something? (christmas tree emoji). Second message from (Sam): Okay. Don’t reply. But if you are allergic to nuts don’t blame me when I eat them in front of you and you can’t have them (cookie emoji). Third message from (Sam): I know you like chocolate so I asked her if she could make some chocolate ones. Thank me later. By the way, I sent the kid your way, not sure what thing about taking his girlfriend on a date… I thought you would have more ideas than me. (man shrugging emoji)”

James rolls his eyes, but even if he is slightly bothered, the thought of Sam talking about him to his family overwhelms him in a strange way. He is kind of excited to try those cookies now. He shifts a little on his seat, making himself more comfortable as he drives and then clears his throat.

“Reply to (Sharon)” he says to the app. The app beeps as if saying it is ready to write what he says “Thank you. I’m almost there. I really don’t know what to say. When I get there, I think more things will come to mind. I might call you. Thank you again.” he hopes it doesn’t sound too cold, he is trying to accept her kindness, but it is still difficult to process it all.

“Do you want to send this message?” the app asks.

“Yes.” once that’s done he feels nervous not knowing what her next reply will be, but he hopes is good, that she understands when he is ready he will talk. “Reply to Sam” he says next.

“Tell Sarah thank you. I hope you are having a good time with your siblings and the kids. I’m just driving a lot, that’s why I don’t answer or have much to say. Don’t eat all the cookies, at least leave one for me to try.” he pauses, he feels suddenly embarrassed, as if this conversation shouldn’t be this comfortable or even happening, as if he is introducing himself into that family and he doesn’t really belong, as if his relationship with Sam was more special than it actually was. Maybe he was reading a lot into it. Sam was a nice man, helping him with everything he had, but that didn’t mean more than that. He doesn’t want to make the same mistakes he made with Steve. This is not appropriate. 

“Do you want to send this message?” the app asks.

“No.” he says without thinking, and for the rest of the trip he doesn’t check his phone again.

It is almost eight when he finally arrives at Shelbyville, the road is partially illuminated by the front lights of the car, but as he enters the city, festive lights and streetlights make him aware that he is back to his hometown. The nostalgia hits him hard, there are places that he recognizes, even if he was just a small child when he lived there, and the city had changed a lot, but there is a feeling, a certain something about the place that he just recognizes. 

It feels so strange to be back. He parks to look at the map and some information on his phone to get to the motel where he is going to spend the night, he quickly checks in, leaves his belongings in the room and then gets back to the car. 

It isn’t much later when he arrives to the cemetery. It is still open but he imagines not for long, so he walks somehow quickly among the graves until he finds them, together, as the information Sharon gave him said.

_ REBECCA P. BARNES-PROCTOR _

_ WILLIAM J. PROCTOR _

James’ mouth feels dry. He doesn’t know what is next. He doesn’t believe in talking to the dead, he isn’t quite sure if he believes in God or heaven, though he ironically thinks if Hell exists he had lived through it already. He takes a breath, the warm air going out of his mouth condenses on the air and flies around his lips mixing with the cold. His hands sink deeper in his pockets.

Why was he there? He wonders as he looks down at his sister’s name engraved on a gravestone. Maybe he just wanted this to feel real, to make himself realize there was no way, no possibility at all that he would see her again. His eyes feel wet, warm, and his chest aches. 

“Young man.” an elderly voice calls him and gets closer “What on earth are you doing out here at this hour?” James looks up and sees an old man walking towards him, he notices he is wearing a clerical collar. 

“I’m visiting family.” he replies.

“Oh, did you know Rebecca?” he asks looking at the grave surprised.

“I did.” James replies, a glimpse of curiosity appears in his eyes at the opportunity to talk with someone who may have known her.

“She came to my church a lot, a good woman.” the priest nods.

“Are you here to visit her too?” James wonders.

“Oh no, son.” he says negating with his head very slowly “My dear mother was buried here too, and I was talking to her and leaving her flowers, but I saw you alone standing here and I thought you may need some help.”

James looks at the grave again and then at him.

“No offense but I don’t think you can help me.” he says bitterly.

“I may not be able to, but our heavenly father might.” the priest says with a smile and a soft voice.

James looks at him with a frown.

“In my youth, I reached out to God many times, I’m still waiting for a response.” he pauses and smirks bitterly “I don’t think I’m gonna get one.”

The priest seems offended, it seems like he is going to try to say something again, and James has no interest in hearing more.

“Can you just leave me alone?” James notices his anger growing.

The man walks away slowly, bothered. 

“The cemetery will close soon.” he hears him say angrily.

James sits down in front of the grave on the floor, he hopes the other man sees it, he can get fucked, he thinks, he isn’t planning to leave until he can say goodbye properly to his sister. The snow surrounding him starts to make him feel colder, but he wants to stay there for a while.

Maybe he can try talking to her, though he wonders if that does anything. If truly talking to someone who is gone was going to let them know anything, or if it was just a way to make those who are still alive feel less bad about not having them there anymore. Was it selfish then to look at a grave and say I’m sorry? I’m sorry for leaving you alone. I’m sorry for not being able to come back. I’m sorry for not telling you what was wrong. For not trusting you enough. For choosing running away than staying behind and be by your side.

James cries. He didn’t want to, but tears just stream down his face. He tries to breath for a moment but he chokes in his sadness and then lets it go with a gasp.

If he could actually talk to her, did he even deserve her forgiveness?

His phone buzzes again, and it doesn’t stop buzzing. It isn’t a message, it is a call, and he isn’t sure if he wants to take it. Maybe it’s Sharon, he forgot he said he was going to call her later, but when he takes it without looking he hears other voice instead.

“How is it going?” Sam sounds warm at the other side of the phone.

James doesn’t know what to reply.

“I heard is pretty cold in Indiana.” Sam continues.

“It is.”

“Did you get a good place to stay?”

“Yeah, Sharon helped with that.”

“Ah, that’s good.” Sam seems to make a pause to drink something, James imagines is a hot cup of coffee. He can hear in the background kids screaming and playing around, and then a door opening and closing, the sound of the kids sound distant now.

“Are you calling to get away from your niece and nephew?” James tries to joke.

“It’s one of the reasons.” Sam says “I love them, I really do, but man, uncle Sam needs a break.” he chuckles.

James still doesn’t know what to say.

“Are you alright?” Sam asks again.

“I don’t know.” James replies honestly.

“Hmm…” Sam makes a noise that James identifies with an understanding nod he always does “Do you want to talk about it?” it seems there is hesitation in his tone, but he asks it anyway.

“I… do you think I am a bad person?”

“Why? For what?”

“For leaving her, for not coming back for her.”

“How could you have done that?” 

“I don’t know, I could have not joined the Howling Commandos, I could have come back home sooner… made something up…” 

“Man… what could have happened or not… that’s…” Sam seems to be trying to find the proper words “that you can’t fix… I understand what you feel about it, must be hard to be hit with all these doubts when you see what she lived without you, but… she did great, didn’t she? Aren’t you proud?”

James thinks about it, he wants to cry again, and he silently does for a moment. Sam is right, he is happy for all her accomplishments, he feels glad she had a peaceful life doing what she loved, and sharing it with a loving partner as well. Maybe selfishly he was just wishing to have been part of it too. 

“Are you there?” Sam asks.

“Yes.” James pauses “I’m going to drive back to the motel, can I call you again when I get there?”

“Of course, I’ll be here.”

“Thank you.” he hangs up “You always are.” he says to himself.


	4. DAYBREAK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter includes discussions of:** parental death, homophobia, brainwash and injuries.
> 
>  **This chapter includes depictions of:** PTSD.

The refuge of an apartment with heating is a blessing on a snowy day. James is lost in thought as he picks different utensils to get ready for lunch, the morning hadn't been too busy, they had decided to clean the place and organize everything to enter the new year on the right foot. Living with Sam is becoming very comfortable, even if at times James still doubts why on the first place Sam would want him around, he can’t deny they make a good team outside a working environment too. It’s not hard, James thinks, to like someone like Sam, he is hilarious, selfless and caring, and on top of that, a great roommate. 

“...so I was thinking you could come with us…” Sam is cooking something on the stove as he speaks, while James is putting glasses and cutlery on the kitchen's table, but hadn’t really heard what his friend is referring to “...you know, is the New Year's celebration, you could for once in your life have fun.” he mocks as he keeps moving around the ingredients on the pan.

“Eh?” James honestly replies.

“New Year’s celebration, with my family.” Sam repeats.

“I don’t know if I would be comfortable invading your family time.” James says going to the cupboard and getting out a bottle of water to put on the table too.

“What do you mean  _ invading _ ? I’m inviting you.” Sam arcs and eyebrow as he finishes cooking the food and then divides it in two plates “Is because you won’t know what to talk about? I can call Sharon too, I’m sure she would love to-”

“If you do that Sharon will feel she has to, and she already has plans with her boyfriend.” James interrupts.

“How do you know that?” Sam asks curious as he leaves the plates on the table, and they both sit to finally eat.

“We talk, she tells me about her life…” James takes a bit of the food with his fork.

Sam smiles for a moment, it seems candid, and James doesn’t really know what prompted that reaction.

“That’s good, I didn’t know you guys were that close.” Sam says starting to eat too “Well, if I invite her and her boyfriend, would you be happy to come?”

“I’m not going anyway, I can stay here and I…” he starts looking around trying to think of any activity he could be doing on New Year’s eve “I could catch up on some movies.” he says feeling stupid as he points at the tv “This is really good, by the way.” he realizes the taste of the food in his mouth, Sam is a very good cook, James wishes he could learn a thing or two, even if he likes cooking as well, he isn’t as skilled.

“That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard.” Sam complains about James’ improvised plans “Thank you.” he keeps eating “I think you should come with us, we are going to Times Square… you are going to have a good time, and you can get out of the house for something more than… buying groceries or… do you even get out of the house that much?” Sam’s tone changes to a more worried one.

"I don't want to go… I want to stay." James insists and ignoring the last comment he takes a long nervous gup of his glass. 

"Are you sure? I mean, if you are sure I will completely leave you alone, won't talk about it again." Sam smirks pouring water on his glass and then on James' too. 

"I…" James feels strange, he wouldn't belong there, they were a family celebrating. He didn't think he deserved to be part of that, he would feel like an outsider observing someone's private experience, almost like a voyeur. 

"Think about it, you have until ten to decide. You can still change your mind about those movies." Sam says slightly rolling his eyes. 

James isn't sure if he will, and the truth is he doesn't even think about it, but hours later, when he is finishing a crossword puzzle sitting on the couch, he looks up to the clock and realizes he should probably decide for real. He hears Sam is getting in the shower already, so he takes this as an opportunity, either give up completely and stay or get ready as well.  By the time Sam gets out of the bathroom, James is ready to go. He is wearing dark jeans, boots, a sweater and his hair is tied in a low bun. Sam's outfit is more colorful, he can't help himself and he is wearing his signature red somehow, in this case his shirt under a black leather jacket. They both look at each other in silence for a moment. James thinks Sam looks especially attractive, there is something about how his trimmed beard frames his face. 

"So you are coming?" Sam smiles. 

"Yeah, I guess is a good idea to get out." James shrugs softly. 

"Alright, then." Sam looks at him and smiles again with that smile that James doesn't really know in response to what it is. 

Sam explains him on the way to Times Squares that his siblings and their families will meet them there, so when they get out of the car, James feels uneasy. Every step he takes feels heavier, and he is getting more nervous. There are still a few minutes away to the encounter point, and his feet stop on the spot.

He can’t do this. He shouldn’t be there. He becomes extremely self-aware. He is going to ruin this celebration for them, he is just a stranger that Sam felt obliged to take care of and that isn’t right. 

“Everything alright?” Sam has stopped next to him. His brow furrowed, his eyes wandering as if looking for an answer in James’ own confused expression. Even if he is slightly shorter than James, for him right now he seems bigger, protective, with his shoulders curved with worry, as if he could take him under a comforting embrace.

“I think I just should…” James starts saying.

“Uncle Sam!” a voice that sounds small and pitchy shouts in the distance. A small girl runs towards them.

James is frozen but he feels like his feet would start running at any moment.

“Hey, Darlene.” Sam’s body language changes completely as his niece approaches and he picks her up “Look Darlene, this is my friend James.” Sam says turning around with her on his arms so she can look at him better “James, this is Darlene.” 

Darlene extends her hand towards James and he receives the smallest high five someone has ever given to him. She must be around five years old, very small, with a christmasy dress, a coat that seems bigger than her on top, and her curly hair tied in two identical buns on top of her head. She looks adorable and that makes James feel less nervous.

“Sam, thank god.” Sarah appears quickly, next to her a young boy, pre-teen with a very serious expression “I saw her run away and I couldn’t keep up.” She half hugs her brother because her own daughter is in the way. Sam gives her a kiss on the cheek and she smiles, then she notices James standing there. “Oh, you are James, right? I heard about you. _ The roommate. _ ” 

Sarah shares a look with her brother and James wonder if he is missing something. She gives James a hug and he awkwardly corresponds it, partially surprised that she would do that in the first place.

“Thank you for the cookies, Sarah.” he smiles as they separate. James wonders if the whole Wilson family is like that, so open and loving.

“Oh, anytime, honey.” she negates with her head “This is Jody.” she tries to make her son get integrated in the conversation “He doesn’t want to be here because adults are so boring.” she mocks. The kid crosses his arms over his chest and doesn’t even look at James.

“Have you seen Gideon yet?” Sam asks about his other sibling as he messes his nephew’s hair. The boy doesn’t want to show it but he partially smiles.

“He texted he is on his way.” Sarah clarifies and puts her arm around her son that finally breaks into a giggle.

James feels so conflicted, five minutes ago he wanted to go, not interrupt this family reunion, and now he wants it so badly. Selfishly he wants to experience this, to soak in this familial love he misses so much, to embrace the warmth and kindness of this family. To hear those kids laugh or even provoke their laugh himself. 

“Let’s go then, we will meet with him where we said.” Sam says though he lets his sister walk first with her son and he stays behind next to James “What were you going to say?” Darlene holds onto his uncle’s shoulder and looks at James for an answer as if she knew what this conversation is about.

“Nothing.” James shrugs “Overthinking.” 

Sam looks at him worried but decides not to push it, maybe they can talk later. James wishes he felt more confident to tell him what’s going through his head, but right now, and right here, he feels like it only be a burden. Sam has to deal with things of his own too. He shouldn’t add more to it. Darlene interrupts his train of thought with a giggle looking at him directly, and Sam’s attention goes to her.

“What’s up, troublemaker?” he tickles her. The girl laughs even more.

“His hair is so long…” she points out “and so pretty.” she says timidly to her uncle.

"Yeah…" Sam laughs and looks at James. 

“Thank you.” James chuckles “but I think you hair is so much cooler…” he says gesturing at her curly buns.

The three of them keep joking, often joined by Sarah and Jody, and a few moments later the whole family is finally complete. Gideon and his wife get together with them and they all go to Times Squares which is already packed with people waiting to welcome the new year, 2024. Gideon seems serious, he is taller than his older brother and less talkative, his wife is quite the opposite, she can’t stop talking the moment they arrive. Sarah and her seem to get along pretty well, and they chat happily, the two brothers exchange a few words, in a soft spoken but strangely distant manner, and the kids run around playing with each other.

The creeping feeling of being out of place comes back to James as he observes the happy scene. What was he there for? Why would he be wanted there? It’s starting to show on his expression and he fakes a smile when Sam turns around to check on him. He nods at him to reassure him that he is okay and he doesn’t have to worry. However, for a moment he notices how Sam stands closer to him and tries to start a conversation to not exclude him. He thinks that’s nice but he still feels very ridiculous and misplaced. They can’t even say much when they hear someone nearby tell their friends they are starting to count down.

“Oh, already?” Sarah says grabbing both of her kids hands “Just one more minute.” she tells them excited. 

Gideon and his wife get closer to each other, and Sam gives them space standing closer to James. Again Sam is smiling at him that way he doesn’t know how to explain.

“We are almost there…” Sam says “6… 5… 4…” the voices around them are mixing with his own, doing the same.

“3...2...1…” James finds himself counting along.

Screams burst around in celebration, confetti is floating in the air, and fireworks go off. James is not a fan of the strident sound or the flashes, but he can enjoy the spectacle when he observes the happiness surrounding him in that very moment.

“Happy New Year!” Sarah says to her kids embracing them strongly as they laugh, meanwhile Gideon shares a kiss with his wife.

Sam stands there next to him and his smile grows bigger. 

“Happy New Year.” Sam extends his arms to hug James and he accepts it.

“Happy New Year.” James replies slightly embarrassed. Hugging Sam was pretty normal, it was an affectionate gesture between them that it was comfortable, but today it feels completely different. The moment lingers for maybe way too long, but at the same time it doesn’t even seem enough. Sam’s hands on his back, his breathe on his neck and their proximity, he wonders if the hugs had always been like this and he had never noticed or if perhaps he is just allowing himself to enjoy it. He starts to doubt again, to feel like the moment is wrong, it isn’t fair to Sam that he is feeling this way. Though he also notices that Sam isn’t moving away either. 

The moment they separate seems natural and comfortable and is prompted by Sarah and Gideon wanting to celebrate with his brother as well. James wonders, and he will for the whole night, if Sam has felt the same way he did during that moment, but he is too scared to ask.

When they are back hours later at their apartment, they happily say good night to each other and part ways to their respective rooms. Once in his room, James changes into more comfortable clothes and unties his hair. He gets in bed and smiles to himself, maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to be part of things. As much as he feels like an outsider, he would never become anything else if he didn’t try.

He closes his eyes slowly getting tired and falling deep asleep.

There is chaos, the images flash before him.

Machinery’s noises deafens him.

Blood. Pain. Screams. 

It’s a quick succession of infinite torture and he can’t escape it. 

His hands are tied again. His body can’t move.

He fears the words that would make him lose sense of himself again.

Though he fights, he fights with all his might, and throws a fist. 

And then he opens his eyes.

His metal arm is closed in a tight fist grabbing Sam’s shirt. He can feel the cold sweat running down his back, and Sam is standing there almost balancing himself to not fall on top of him, looking at him with the most worried expression he has seen on his face. 

“Wha-” James tries to say as he opens his hand slowly.

Sam sits down on the bed calmly, though he still seems very concerned.

“I came running… you were screaming, aren’t you aware?” he asks.

“I…” James remembers, he was having a very intense vivid nightmare “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to scare you…”

“No, don’t apologize, I was surprised… I thought lately your dreams were getting better, so when I heard you scream I thought something terrible was happening for real…” Sam explains “...that you were in pain or...someone entered…”

“And was trying to kidnap me? And I was screaming for help? I have more pride than that.” he tries to joke.

Sam shakes his head.

“What’s with you and not asking for help?” Sam seems to be mocking him a little but the question rings to be more authentic than just a casual comment.

James takes a breath.

“It’s alright, I’m alright.”

Sam frowns.

“Didn’t we agree that you weren’t going to lie to me?”

James sighs.

“I don’t know what to tell you… sometimes I can sleep without problem, and some other days when I close my eyes I can only see Zola, my arm bleeding, my body being injected with the serum, the brainwash, how I slowly started to forget myself… and the pain… it feels so real, it’s like I’m back there.... It fucks with my brain… and if it is not that...” he lets it out “and if it’s not that, is my mother, and I… I can’t talk about that right now…” he chokes up.

Sam nods.

“It’s okay…” his voice sounds deep and calm.

James looks down and puts his hand on top of his face to make sure Sam can’t see him cry.

“When I came back from Afghanistan…” Sam explains “I couldn’t sleep most of the nights… I was wide awake thinking about the horrible things I witnessed, how people can be so cruel to each other… my friend Riley’s death… it played back in my head a thousand times…” he looks down at his hands sadly “my point is… I get it, I can’t even imagine all you went through, but I understand the nightmares, the fear, the pain…” he moves his hand to take away James’ own from his face so he can look at him directly “and you don’t have to go through all that alone…”

“How did you do it?” James cleans a tear from his face with the back of his hand.

“I went to therapy, group therapy helped a lot… it took time, a lot of work… effort… at times I still have things here and there that make me feel scared and remind me of those days… it’s a constant recovery.” Sam offers his hand to James and he accepts it holding it very tight “I know you aren’t very keen on therapy, and that’s fine, I know is not for everyone… but at least, talk to me, talk to all of us, your friends will listen if you are in need.” 

James nods. He isn’t very convinced, not because he doubts them, he knows they all are good people, but he isn’t sure if he can be so frank with any of them, if knowing all the things that go through his head would just be too much to handle. He doesn’t see himself putting that much pressure on them. The closest to talking about everything that tortures him inside, are those notebooks he decided to write for himself, they helped him make things palpable, real, those memories he would never forget again, even if someone tried to make him, those notebooks would be proof, and they are safely hidden under the floor on his room, ready to grab in case he had to run away again. The thought of running away is constant, but he isn’t ready to talk about it just yet, wondering if such a confession will affect Sam as well.

“Your friend… was he in Afghanistan?” he asks realizing he had zoned out.

“Yeah… part of the same squadron I was, with the EXO-7 Falcon… we both would fly together…” Sam sounds nostalgic, his eyes shine slightly. James can’t conceive the image of Sam crying for some reason, maybe because he always seems so optimistic, so full of positive advice. He squeezes his hand instinctively “Every time I use the wings I think of him, and I hope he is proud.”

James smiles though very sadly. He wasn’t expecting to hear this from Sam, for him to be so raw and honest about his feelings, even if he always looked like an open book. James finds it curious that even the kindest more honest people would keep things secret and close to their hearts, and he feels somehow privileged to be able to discuss this with him. 

“Do you think he is in heaven? Looking down?” James tries to not sound ironic even though he doesn’t believe in those things, he wants to respect Sam if that’s his own belief.

“I… I’m not sure about that…” Sam let’s go of James hand for a moment to clean the corner of his eye “My father was a pastor… and now that’s kind of my brother’s thing… I’m not very involved with it… If I’m honest, I don’t know if I believe.” Sam shrugs “I guess is more in a… spiritual level or something…” he chuckles, “I really don’t know if there is or isn’t a life after death, I just hope he is okay.” he says showing a confused expression “Are you? Religious?”

“No.” James shakes his head “My family was… I used to be… but after all I have been through… nah… I don’t think someone can be so cruel to just be observing and let horrible things happen… and If there is a god then I don’t want to believe in him.” 

Sam stands and then moves closer to James gesturing for him to move aside and let him sit next to him with his back against the wall.

“So… you mentioned your mother…” Sam says.

“And you mentioned your father…” James tries to change the topic back to Sam.

“Come on…” Sam looks at him as if saying I asked first.

“Please, you talk… just give me more time…” James replies honestly.

“Alright…” Sam laughs softly “He was a very nice man, a pastor as I said, he and my mother died when I was young, I think they both were great parents… but maybe I had always thought I had to live up to his standards, I became a father to my siblings, the head of the family, the man…” he sighs “but I resented it… at some point when we started being more independent from each other, I became my own person, but I think Gideon felt like he had to fill that role… and I’m worried he still does…”

“I get that…” he admits perhaps for the very first time out loud “I also thought I had to be like my father when I was young, but I really never got there… not my way of acting, nor my looks, and my passions were very different… but I guess, at some point I felt obligated to fit in, if he was a soldier, I must be one too.”

“What were those passions?”

“Boxing... Science…” Men. He doesn’t say the last word.

“How so?”

“I was a very good boxer, I think I could have had a career on it...I also loved science, I used to daydream about helping construct spaceships and such... ” he says laughing embarrassed.

“Really?” Sam seems to enjoy it.

“Really…”

“And that’s why your mother and you didn’t get along?”

James looks at Sam with a pained expression.

“You still don’t want to talk about it? That’s alright...” Sam understands just with the look.

“I just… don’t want you to think of me differently…” 

“Why would I? Because you are a crazy astronaut with boxing gloves?”

“Because I am…” he doubts “I believe the modern term is… gay.” he almost chokes on the word.

James looks at Sam, his friend looks partially surprised, but he is quiet, he seems to hear a faint  _ oh _ but then it’s just silence. He panics internally, there is no going back, he just said it, he just told him, that was the weirdest sensation. Admitting that could just change everything they just talked before, perhaps Sam would think he is helpless.

“So your mother knew and she didn’t like it?” Sam continues the conversation normally, and James feels a heavy weight disappear from his stomach.

He almost wanted to cry. He leans to where Sam is, his forehead touches Sam’s shoulder and he takes a deep breath as if his lungs were completely empty and he desperately needed to take all the air he could. 

“James?” Sam asks putting his hand over his head with a soft caress “Breath. It’s okay.”

James can’t articulate more than that, he is sobbing.

“Look… I don’t know what the situation was, and I can see how hard is to talk about it, so I don’t want to push it more, whenever you want, we can talk about it… but I want you to know one thing, okay?” he pauses “A parent who tells their child they can’t be who they are or love who they love, they aren’t good parents, and they aren’t good people. You don’t need to be ashamed or scared. Just be you.” 

They hold each other close for a while. James doesn’t remember when was the last time he let himself cry like that, the answer was probably one hundred years ago. Though in a way being so vulnerable and trusting Sam so much makes him feel liberated, maybe this connection is way more real than he wanted to admit, maybe Steve had nothing to do with this anymore, maybe he could actually call Sam a true friend, and that in a way is terrifying because he had never wanted to kiss him so much as he is right now.

“You should rest.” Sam says breaking the hug very slowly “This must have been exhausting, and it’s pretty late… or early…” Sam looks at the window and the first rays of sunshine seem to be rising. 

He stands up and starts walking to the door when James speaks again.

“Sam, before you go… I have a dumb question…” He kind of smiles as he cleans his tears.

“What is it?” Sam turns around curious.

“Why do you call me James? Why you never call me Bucky?” 

“Oh… hmmm…” Sam seems to be the one embarrassed now “because I always heard Steve call you that, I thought it may be something special, so I didn’t want to cross any line…” he admits.

“Come on, the kid calls me Bucky, you can too.” 

"Does he really?" Sam makes a mocking expression knowing how Peter usually called everyone by their last names "but sure…"

And the smile comes back again, that smile Sam makes that he doesn’t quite understand.

“Alright… good night, Bucky.”


	5. SEVENTEEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter includes discussions of:** homophobia and internalized homophobia.

James is walking down the street. New York is beautiful during this time of the year, but it is also so cold, he wished winter would be over already. Annoyed, he rubs his hands together even though he is wearing gloves. There is something else he had noticed in the air though, or perhaps, in the shops and other establishments' windows. 

Hearts. 

For him it seemed weird that something as basic and intimate as love was now a publicity stunt, overused, and a way to make people be part of consumerism. Many things were that, he had noticed, every holiday, special occasion, every feeling had a price tag, and a way to feel you aren’t doing enough for someone else if you don’t express it with a purchase. 

He is walking by a coffee shop and he has to stop to look at their window, the cheesiest slogan he has ever seen surrounded by hearts encourages any passerby to buy two coffees with a special offer where the baristas will draw hearts on the drink for them and their loved one. James shakes his head and chuckles.

“This is ridiculous…” he can’t help himself from saying that out loud as he keeps walking, though he suddenly stops himself and looks back at the window, but this time he is paying more attention to his own reflection.

For some reason, even if he has gotten used to how he looks now, and he kind of enjoys his long hair, he looks at himself right now reflected back on that window and he doesn’t recognize himself. He is almost covered head to toe in winter clothes, but his hair is loose and his beard has grown a lot longer these past few weeks without much care on his part. Maybe he should take more time with his outside as he was trying with his inside. 

He walks a few metres more, not sure if changing his appearance would help him in anyway. Just because he would look more like he looked back in the day wouldn’t automatically make him the same man. 

“Hello, would you want a bouquet of flowers?” a woman asks him as he walks by her store.

“Excuse me, what?” he gets out of his thoughts. 

“For our Valentine’s sale, we have these beautiful bouquet of flowers, perhaps you would be interested?” she points around her store and shows a big enthusiast smile.

“Ah, no, sorry…” James smiles politely, but he feels odd about it. Who would he buy them for anyway? And buy them for himself, wouldn’t that be kind of sad? He keeps walking quickly and he doesn’t look back in case the woman is still trying to convince him about it. 

Perhaps in other times, he would have bought flowers and have given them to someone else, when he was a teenager he was more eager to fall in love, but that hopeful jovial man wasn’t exactly him anymore. His life, in many aspects, but also romantically speaking hadn’t been very fortunate. When he had fallen in love, either he couldn’t completely act on it, or the man in question would be totally unaware of his feelings. He had some stolen kisses, nights of passion he wouldn’t even dare to talk about the next minute they had happened, they were all moments he enjoyed and that partially gave him a small sense of freedom, but they were so tainted by shame and fear, that when he looked back he wished he had decided to enjoy them much more. 

If only he could have stood up to his mother, to explain her he wasn’t a degenerate, that he was just the son she loved and nothing was going to change. But he couldn't because he was young, easily influenced by words said by an adult he admired, easily manipulated by the memory of a man like his father, by the idea of what it meant to be “normal and healthy”, for the longest time he feared that, he believed that, he thought it was the truth that there was something wrong with him. Most of the time, he still did.

Love is love. He tries to think now, it’s a very simple thought but perhaps is the first time he tries to think about it that way, because it has never seemed simple for him before. His heart hurt. His head hurt. His whole body ached, hoping, missing, wishing he could have what he saw others achieve so easily. 

His feet stop walking, the red light is on. 

It was always the same story, since he was a teenager longing and knowing that living with Steve was the only thing that would ever happen between them, though small parts of him always wished more, and as he grew up, he ended up finding other men who could at least give him a feeling he could hold on to, even if for just one night. Though the guilt was always creeping behind, those men, and those feelings, even the purest ones he could have felt for his friend, they all felt dirty. 

He thinks about the moment he realized he was in love with Steve so long ago it seemed like an old fairy tale. They had been friends for years and they were hanging out on a bench in a park, Steve had decided to try his hand drawing from live references, and he just enjoyed observing his creative friend trying to replicate buildings or passerbys on his papers. It wouldn’t be until much later when Steve would offer him a finished drawing of himself casually looking away smoking a cigarette, when his heart would skip a beat and he would feel nervous butterflies in his stomach. He framed that drawing, and he would observe it and ponder if it meant more than it did, many times almost deciding if it was a good idea to confess to Steve what he was thinking. Now both those feelings and that drawing were lost in time.

Nowadays, he knew there was something that was building inside him, a feeling so familiar, but so new, so strong and overwhelming, warm and candid. It was there, there was no denying, but if he followed the patterns, he feared he was going to make the same mistakes. How could he say anything, how could he risk it all, when Sam was a good friend, a good man, that could just be doing what he does because that’s how he is. It didn’t have to mean more. It probably didn’t mean more. How could he expect Sam’s feelings to be the same as his own. How could he expect to be loved by a man so good like him. Perhaps he only deserved the secret nights and the guilt.

As he thinks that he looks up, the light changes to green.

He starts crossing the road, there are all kinds of people crossing at the same time, but as he walks by two women, he realizes how one of them holds the other hand and they both smile at each other enamored. When he gets to the other side he can’t avoid follow them with his eyes, they seem happy, they are probably getting flowers and coffee, he chuckles bitterly. It’s just ironic, all of it, like the rest of his life that seemed like a dark humor joke, everything he ever wished was twisted and destroyed by fear, by pride, by shame, and by himself. Everything was at the tips of his fingers, but he never was brave enough to jump and reach harder.

As he keeps walking he sees a barber shop, there is a sign outside with the prices, and like everything nowadays for him it seems way too expensive, but he also knows he won’t find better prices than these. This could be it, this could be the first choice he made today, and it could be a good one or a bad one, but he knows he feels in his gut it is what he wants right now. 

He is lucky there isn’t many clients that morning, so he waits patiently, and in an hour and a half he is out. He has to admit he feels different, maybe he could use the word renewed. 

“Well… that was… impulsive.” he says to himself as he walks by another window and looks at his reflection. His hair is short, similar to what he used to look during his youth but with a new modern cut to it that he enjoyed, and his dense beard now has become a stubble. He touches his face satisfied and smiles. 

That was definitely a good choice. Now, about the other choices he could be making today he prefers not to think about them in depth. Hair grows back that’s what he thinks, and it seems like an excuse good enough to make every other decision seem so much bigger and harder to make. 

In that moment he notices he soon will be closer to the neighborhood. 

If he could make the choice of telling Sam what he feels, and if by any impossible chance Sam felt the same way, he doubts he could be a good partner for him, and was it really worth it ruinning a friendship to become a failed romantic relationship? 

James feels a knot in his stomach. 

If he didn’t make the choice, would he then wonder for the rest of his life, would he just hope and silently wait that perhaps someday Sam would turn around and realize the way James looks at him when he is looking away? 

The knot in his stomach feels heavier. 

His feelings for Sam were sudden and unexpected when one day he found himself, while Steve, Sam and Natasha were visiting Wakanda, looking at Sam’s lips and lingering as he spoke jokingly and smiled showing that adorable gap between his teeth. He has to admit, the physical attraction came first, and Sam had a certain presence about him that was special to be around, after the initial mutual banter and teasing, he comfortably connected with him and he knew he was lost the moment he realized how much they actually had in common. 

Without thinking it twice, he turns on his heels and walks his way backwards, the light at the crosswalk is green, and he walks fast before it goes back to red.

The woman at the flower shop is still at the door.

“Would you want some… oh?” she seems to realize he is the same person she stopped before “Did you change your mind?” she smiles.

“Do you have roses?” he asks timidly.

“Roses? Of course!” the woman enters the store and he follows her inside “How many do you want?” she asks going behind the counter looking for the flowers. 

James notices the price tag on them and then looks at the money left in his pocket.

“Well…” 

A few minutes later, James is looking at himself in the mirror of the elevator as he is on his way to the apartment, his fingers move nervously around the paper carefully wrapping the one single flower he could afford, meanwhile with his other hand he moves his hair around trying to make it look as good as possible. When he opens the door to the apartment he can feel his heart beating in his ears, and the heat rising to his face. 

“Just be yourself.” He says under his breath reminding himself of the words Sam was telling him over a month ago.

“Hey, what’s up with that new look.” Sam is sitting on the couch watching tv but suddenly seems like James has all his attention. He shows a big surprised smile and his eyebrows raise expectantly.

“It’s more how I used to wear my hair, bue a more modern cut...” James explains.

“It’s good.” Sam says and he seems partially distracted even if he is looking right at him “but I thought you liked the long hair.” 

“I did. I just wanted to try something else.” James shrugs “This feels more like myself actually.” thought he isn’t quite sure if that’s true.

“It’s good, you look good, I mean, you always look good… with those eyes… I mean… doesn’t matter what you do to your hair...” Sam laughs nervously noticing half way through that he was betraying himself “So… what’s that?” he changes subject as he points at the flower “Did you get a rose from an admirer?" he teases.

"A- Thanks… A-Actually.” James doubts for a second “Actually… I bought it, it's for you."

"A single rose?" Sam makes a funny confused face “For me?” he stands up from the couch and approaches him.

"Do you know how expensive things are? And I don't even have a job." James complains half embarrassed “But anyway, I thought this was appropriate, I wanted to talk to you about something.” he tries to seem more confident and serious.

"Dude, are you trying to confess to me right now? This is the worst way to confess your feelings for someone I ever witness." he jokes, but his facial expression can’t deny how delighted he actually is. 

"Please, just accept the fucking flower, this is hard enough." James extends his hand towards him and gives him the flower.

“Oh, no, no, work a bit harder.” Sam jokes taking the flower from him.

“I have to admit I’m out of practice…” James chuckles suddenly feeling his shoulders more relaxed thanks to Sam’s sense of humor and their usual banter “Normally, I am so scared of what is going to happen next, and I tend to overthink or talk myself out of situations because I think that’s not right or isn’t what I’m supposed to do… but with you, I… when I thought about telling you how I felt... I was terrified, but then I realized that I needed to do it, go through it even if I was scared, because you make me want to be brave...” he finally lets it go “You make me want to try and be happy.”

Sam’s expression softens, there is no longer a teasing smile but an honest one. James gets it now, that’s  _ the smile _ , but before he can even continue speaking or even try to make himself feel less awkward about his own feelings by making a dry joke as he usually would, Sam steps closer and kisses him.

James wasn’t expecting if he said anything Sam’s reaction would be that, and for a second, his eyes are wide open and he can see Sam’s candid expression as they share a kiss. His lips are soft and his warm breath feel like a caress, it has been so long since he has received a kiss like that, so tender, he wishes he could live every single second of it in slow motion. Unconsciously, when he finally closes his eyes, James leans in and puts his arms around Sam’s body to move him even closer. 

It’s strange and overwhelming to think he is living that. Long gone was the knot in his stomach and all the worries, at least for that moment, the only thing that existed was the sensation of his stubble rubbing against Sam’s beard when they moved away one moment and then kissed again. As Sam moves his hand up from his arm to his neck and makes the kiss more passionate, he realizes that it was never too late, or he was ever too old, to feel butterflies in his stomach again. 


	6. BENIGN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter includes discussions of:** loneliness, brainwash and trauma.  
>  **This chapter includes depictions of:** self-doubt, anxiety, and partial nudity.

James is asleep, his hand rest over the pillow next to him and his breathing is steady, this night he is lucky and his dreams are unimportant, calm, it is almost like his mind is blank, but something else wakes him up. A small noise, at the door. There is a basic instinct in him that reaches for a gun under his bed but there is no gun, for the longest time there hasn't been one, that isn't his life anymore. His heart pounds and he partially feels guilt for this reaction. The door opens slowly and he sees Sam poking his head in. 

"Are you awake?" he asks very softly. 

"Yes. What's wrong?" James asks worriedly getting out of the bed quickly.

"No, no…" Sam opens the door with less care and gestures him to come back to bed "I just wanted to say goodbye before I go."

James ignores the gestures and gets closer to Sam still slightly sleepy and not registering the information well. 

"I'm going on a mission, just wanted to say goodbye…" Sam repeats to him as he caresses his face and gives him a kiss. 

"Don't go." James complains almost childishly with his lips very close to Sam's as he puts his arms around his waist "Would they even notice if Captain America isn't there?" 

Sam chuckles and surrounds James' body with his arms too. 

"I have to." he says apologetic "And I'm not sure for how long I" they kiss again "will" they kiss again "be gone" the kiss one more time "I will call, I will let you know." he starts moving away but James wants to keep him closer. Sam laughs "You know what I really like…" Sam can't complain, he smiles softly putting his index finger right in the middle of James' chin "This dimple… with your beard like this I can see it all the time, and it is seducing me..." he jokes. James laughs partially embarrassed but also flattered "but I have to be strong…" Sam starts moving away again, this time James lets him go but follows him to the entrance door. 

"Be careful." James says as he sees him wave on his way down the stairs. 

It isn't only the fact that he knows the missions they go to are always dangerous, but what also worries him is that Sam now carrying the mantle of Captain America literally had a bullseye on his back. James shakes his head and closes the door behind him. He can't start thinking like that, there are always risks, but he knows Sam is responsible and professional and he is surrounded by a great team. He has to take his mind away from those negative thoughts, so he starts mentally planning for the week.

If Sam is gone for a few days, that means he has to take care of the house by himself, normally they would divide tasks writing them down on the board on the kitchen's wall, so he checks both lists before he goes back to his bedroom. He can handle it, in a couple of days he would have everything done, either way is not much he is doing lately.

Looking for jobs has proven to be harder than what it used to, companies ask for too much experience for too little money, and hundreds of desperate people who are still paying their studies and that need the jobs are applying to them. It feels like he is fighting for garbage, but there is no real alternative, just more different types of garbage. James can consider himself to be lucky, he has an apartment, his partner, that’s odd to think,  **his partner** has a stable job so he has help there if he ever needed, and he still has some money saved from his former salary, however, he doesn’t want to reach the point where he becomes a burden to Sam, so he is looking for jobs every day, hopefully one would land soon.

Apart from that, his life is pretty uneventful. Going out, doing groceries, doing exercise, staying inside, watching tv, doing crosswords, calling his friends, being with Sam… As he gets in bed he realizes, it is not as if he isn’t doing something, he has a nice routine, but he also doesn’t have anything in particular he is doing. He turns to a side and closes his eyes ready to sleep, but then he opens them again. He can’t go back to sleep so soon, now he is wide awake.

He takes his phone from the nightstand and checks the time. It’s 7am, but then he notices something else, the date. March 8th. He sighs. In two more days is his birthday. He leaves the phone on the nightstand again and turns the other way closing his eyes again and immediately opening them. He hates his birthday, he used to love it when he was a kid, he would play with his friends, his mother would make a cake, it felt like a special day, every year was exciting when March arrived, but as he grew older the day became meaningless, there were no more friends, no more cake, no more that one day to feel special. Perhaps even the special thing was never there, the people who were there made it special, and the more he got older, the less people there were. Not even Steve trying hard every year made him feel it was important. HYDRA would devoid him of any memory so he wouldn't remember the exact date, and it felt worthless to count the years when he didn’t even know in which one he would wake up. 

However, now, there was a part of him that was hoping to do something this year, Sam was big on birthdays, celebrating other people was his speciality, he always talked about his family birthday traditions, they would get together and celebrate, for Sam was a must, and James couldn’t avoid feeling infected by this joy and warmth, so he was expecting at least be with him that day. Maybe just spend all day in bed together. He scoffs at the thought blushing like a teenager thinking about sex. He is still ashamed, it was hard to make those types of feelings simply go away, but now they were mixed with certain nervous excitement and embarrassment. 

His mind drifts away and he finally falls asleep. Just an hour later the sun will wake him up coming through the window just a few minutes before the alarm sounds. He gets out of bed and directly to the bathroom. He then gets changed into comfortable sports clothes and starts the morning with his yoga routine, a perfect mix to exercise his body and relax his mind. 

After that he has breakfast, then showers and then starts cleaning around, the morning will practically fly by and he would already be cooking lunch. He spends the evening looking for jobs in the newspaper and on the internet, and before he can realize it's time for dinner, that he decides to accompany watching a thriller movie. The day was uneventful and he crosses it out of the calendar. 

Next day, stars the same way, yoga, breakfast, shower, he does laundry, then goes to get groceries, cooks, but the evening seems to pass slower. There is a shadow creeping, it always happens the same way, when he starts feeling alone and he isn't focusing on a particular activity, his mind plays with him. 

"What's today, Barnes?" he complains to himself. He knows what he is doing but he can't stop it. There is that thought that he had been thinking since Steve left and he started navigating the world on his own. These people, those he called friends, he always wonders who exactly are they friends with. Who is he to be friends with them? Another paralyzing thought crosses his mind, Is Sam dating a man he doesn't even know?

He frowns and grabs a crossword magazine from the living room table and then sits down on the sofa. He opens on the last unsolved crossword and read the definition. 

"Vertical 5, A person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities." James looks at the paper with a painful expression "Fraud." he writes it down and then sighs "Fuck...this is a joke…" he throws the pen and the magazine over the table and lets himself fall on the couch with a grunt. 

He is afraid of being a fraud, that is exactly it, showing he is a person that he isn't so people would enjoy his presence, hiding the sadness, the loneliness, the trauma, because if he didn't, who would love or care for a broken person? It was too much for people to deal with, so he decided they wouldn't. It was his weight so he would carry it, he would put back together his own pieces. 

He looks up to the ceiling and smiles, as if trying to reproduce the feeling he pretends to portrait, but the expression drops again to his usual neutral serious one. He feels sick to his stomach, he needs to cry but he doesn't want to, though now that he is alone it would be ideal. He let himself cry quietly thinking that tomorrow will be a better day, that what he is thinking isn't true, that there was more of a reason for people to like him than just because Steve said so, but he doesn't really believe it. 

How many times did he regress back to the Winter Soldier, how many times did he attack them and hurt them, how could they ever want to be around him, they all are probably afraid that he is going to do it again, and as much as he trusts Shuri and her work, he is afraid too, that in the back of his head, something will click one day and he will be back to the guns under the bed, the paranoia, the cold blood murder and the nightmarish horrible experience of not having autonomy over his own body. He curves his body almost curling himself into fetal position on the couch, eventually, exhausted, he falls asleep right there. 

He wakes up the next morning with pain, as if he had been in tension all night, he grunts as he stands up and stretches, his head feels like it's going to explode. 

He walks to the kitchen, crosses the passed day on the calendar and then notices. March 10th. It's surrounded by a circle in red ink, and in Sam's hand writing it says "Happy Birthday, Buck". 

"Ugh… fuck" James runs to the bathroom falls on his knees and tries to puke, but is not happening, he notices the sweat on his forehead, the pressure on his stomatch, a watery sensation in his mouth, and the tears start forming in his eyes as he starts feeling anxious. "Come on…" he tells himself trembling. He takes a breath, slowly, deeper, he then sits on the floor and puts his back against the wall. He takes another deep breath and then closes his eyes, the cold tile against his body helps him feel more awake and connected to the moment. 

After a while, feeling sweaty and disgusting he takes a shower and gets a change of clothes, just a simple shirt and jeans. As he is drying his hair with a towel, he goes back to the living room to look for his phone, he realizes it is much later than he thought, and then sees several messages that he quickly reads but doesn't reply to, a lot of people are wishing him a happy day and he feels so strange. Among them Sharon and Sam peak his curiosity the most, they must be together right now on that mission, without much time to stop to even think, but both of them took a minute to think of him and that brought tears to his eyes again. 

A knock on the door takes him away before he can really finish reading either message. He leaves the towel on the bathroom and then quickly goes open. 

"Wanda?" James asks surprised. 

"Hey… do I come at a bad time?" Wanda looks happier than the last time they saw each other. There is something about her that is different, not only in her attitude but also physically. She carries two pizza boxes with her and as she enters she puts them over the kitchen table. 

"No… not at all…" he moves away from the door and lets her in "Did you do something to your hair?" he asks noticing it is a different color. 

"Yes, my hair is actually darker, I decided to have it more natural now." She smiles "You also changed your hair." she points. 

"Ah, yes…" he messes it shyly "This is also more me."

"You look good."

"You too."

It becomes apparent to both of them that even if they had tried to become closer, there is still a small awkwardness between them. However, Wanda keeps smiling. 

"The pizza…" James starts wondering. 

"Sorry for just coming here." Wanda interrupts ignoring his words "Sam told me where you guys lived and I have been meaning to come before, but I never knew when it was a good time." Wanda admits with a shy smile. 

"Did something happen?" James worries. 

"Yes, well, but a good thing!" she quickly clarifies "After we talked, I thought about it, I still wanted to help people but you were right, I didn't have to do it that way, even if the Avengers are my family, the way they operate, maybe it isn't for me." she explains "When you left I realized it was a true possibility." 

"I have to admit I'm glad." James doesn't hide a satisfied smile. Even though he isn't sure if it would be a permanent decision on his part, he decides to not bring it up right now, he wants to focus on her. 

"I'm happier too, now I'm working with Stephen, he has taken me as an apprentice and I'm learning to use my powers, so I can help people with them in my own personal way." Wanda seems proud, and James observes a spark in her eyes that he thought she had lost "I honestly just wanted to let you know and thank you, you talked to me and were really kind when we barely knew each other, you helped me make this decision, and it was really good for me." 

"I…" James doesn't know what to say, he didn't think he had that kind of impact on people, but Wanda seems sincere and truly happy, and that makes him feel emotional, thought he contains himself "I'm glad I could help."

Unexpectedly, Wanda holds him tight in a quick hug that he awkwardly reciprocates, and then moves away. James doesn't really know how to react but by the time they are looking at each other again he is showing her a big smile. 

"I'm terrible." he says realizing they are just standing there "Do you want to seat? Something to eat? Drink?" he offers, though he still wonders why she brought so much pizza. 

"I think I will wait, but thank you." Wanda smiles. 

"Wait for…?" James looks confused but a knock on the door is the only answer he gets. 

Wanda chuckles and looks at the door, James keeps looking at her with a confused smile and then goes to open. At the other side, Shuri holding a bag and Peter holding a box show him the biggest smiles. 

"What are you kids doing here?" 

"Happy birthday!" they both shout and he also realizes Wanda is saying it too behind his back. 

"Wh-" before James can even ask, Shuri and Peter are entering the apartment as if it was their own home. Peter leaves the box over the kitchen counter and Shuri takes a wrapped gift out of her bag. 

"We came to celebrate with you." Shuri claims giving the gift to him. 

"Yes, we planned something cool." Peter says cheerfully taking a cake out of the box and carefully lighting the candles. 

"Wait, wait." Wanda tells James when she sees he has the gift on his hands "Before cake and gifts, shouldn't we have lunch?" 

"Don't worry, we will eat soon." Shuri takes her phone out and starts filming "I just really need to see his face right now when he opens the present."

James is so confused and overwhelmed that it takes him a moment to realize there were actually one hundred and seven tiny candles on the cake and it makes him laugh. 

"You guys are unbelievable…" 

"Blow the candles, but don't tell us your wish." Peter says happily and James can't tell if he is joking or not. He isn't planning to ask for anything, but if wishing actually helped, he wishes those kids would never change. 

"Now, the gift, come on." Shuri insists "I want to see your face when you open it."

James arcs an eyebrow looking at her and very carefully he starts unwrapping it, meanwhile Shuri records him with her phone, and Wanda and Peter take all the candles one by one off the cake. 

"What is this?" James asks though very intrigued and excited, it seems one of those video game consoles that were so popular "You guys bought this for me?" he asks realizing there is also a box of that famous racing video game with colorful fun characters "This must be so expensive, you shouldn't have…" though when he says that he realizes is kind of false humility because if they tried to take away such a cool thing from him he may as well end up fighting them today.

"It is no problem." Shuri smiles satisfied of capturing his happy expression on video "I have a lot of money." she admits nonchalantly "And we are three people paying for all of this anyway."

James keeps looking at the box and then up at them with a very emotive expression, the present is not really that important, but more the fact that they took the time to think of him and keep him company today. Even if they didn't know birthdays were hard for him, they were helping him a lot by just being there. 

"Thank you." He gives each of them a small hug, and then tries to awkwardly move on "Well… em… do you guys want something to drink? We have orange juice…" he starts saying, the three of them look at him with an affectionate expression, they like him, this is real, he hopes so. 

"Yes, I want some." Shuri says as she takes the console box and starts opening it "I will set this up for you meanwhile, old man." she takes the cables and pieces necessary and starts putting it together. 

"I will have some too…" Wanda accepts taking the pizza boxes to the table in front of the tv where Shuri is working. 

Peter simply nods, and when James opens the fridge he offers him the cake to preserve it inside for later. They both take the juice and some glasses and move to the living room. 

"Oh, Mr. Bucky." Peter says suddenly "Where is Mr. Wilson?" James chuckles as he hears the way Peter is calling him. 

"Mission. He has been away for a couple of days." 

"Oh, yes, my brother has been out too." Shuri says as she starts playing around with the remote control to set the tv up with the console. 

"Sounds important." Peter sits down on the floor to be closer to the table "And they didn't even call me." he complains. 

James sits next to Wanda on the couch and then pats Peter's head messing his hair slightly. 

"They shouldn't have to, you should be going to school and having fun with your friends." James says as he opens one of the pizza boxes. 

“Okay, grandpa.” Shuri jokes.

“I do that, Mr. Bucky.” Peter says taking a piece of pizza “I just also want to help.”

“Just Bucky is okay…” he tries to correct.

Wanda silently picks a piece of pizza too and looks at James that looks back at her, they seem to understand each other and what they think of Peter’s statement, so he sighs and looks back at him.

“But don’t you think adults should do that, not you?” he asks worriedly.

Peter looks down for a moment thinking.

“I don’t know, M- Bucky.” Peter says “I think if you have the powers I have and do nothing, then when bad things happen… and you could have stopped them, then they are kind of… your fault.” he tries to explain.

“But… that’s a lot of responsibility for a kid.” James says much more worried.

“It’s hard but…” Peter starts saying “After what happened to Tony, Nat and Cap…” he looks down when he says that, as if trying to not bring Steve up out of respect for James “I really didn’t want to be part of it anymore… but things keep happening, even if I want them or not… I don’t think I should run away from them.” Peter pauses “I’m your friendly neighborhood Spider-man. So I protect the neighborhood.”

James looks at him knowing to himself that Peter is too much of a stubborn kid just as Steve was, and a person like that is hard to be convinced to do other things but what they want, especially if they think what they want is for the best, and they don’t care that best could put them in danger.

“You also can’t pretend we do what you want.” Shuri seems to have finished connecting and setting up everything, she is sitting on the floor as well and taking a piece of pizza.

“I don’t want you to do what I want, I want you to make an informed choice, just because there are big problems, doesn’t mean you kids have to solve them, that should be our job, adults are here for this, we should be trying to solve those problems and make the world better so when you guys are older you don’t have to.” James explains “Do we really need you making weapons and getting involved in wars? Wouldn’t you prefer making discoveries in a laboratory or something like that?”

“I do that.” Shuri says “I don’t make weapons, I create tools to make life easier for those I love. Your arm, do you think that is a weapon? I think is a nice prosthetic to help you out. My brother suit, do you think that is a weapon? I think is a shield for him to be protected when others are trying to hurt him.” Shuri eats silently for a moment, and James leans back on the couch taking a deep breath.

“I think James is right.” Wanda finally speaks “We are made to think, for different convictions, that is our place to be involved in bigger battles that we can handle, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t help if we can, but…”

“Look, no one is making these decisions for me, okay?” Shuri seems slightly offended but she shows a smile and then turns around to grab the controls and puts one near each of them.

James takes a piece of pizza and starts eating himself, it’s hard to change someone’s mind if they had been always surrounded by the same mentality, and he wonders how much of the words they are saying the kids actually believe. It does reminds him to the military propaganda of his time, and how many young people, including himself and Steve, developed this sense of duty and obligation that forced them to believe they were the only ones who could do it. 

“I brought extra ones, so we all can play.” Shuri points at two of the controls, and James assumes they aren’t comfortable to keep talking about the topic. Maybe he can talk with them separately in a better moment, this worries him even more. 

After they finish eating pizza, they eat some cake and start playing. Each of them choose a character, and they have to explain James several times how to use the control and what each button does, but after a few tries and losing miserable all the races, he starts getting the hang of it.

“Oh, no, that’s such dirty play!” James says when Peter throws an object to block his way.

They all laugh and play, it’s actually really fun. James couldn’t have imagined a scene like this months ago. Everything seemed so grim, so lost, he felt like there was no escape from how he was feeling, but slowly, he is realizing that there are things like this that could happen for him and he could be part of something, enjoy the moment and feel joy.

The noise of keys opening the door makes him lose concentration at an important moment, and he gets last place again, so he stands up dramatically disappointed to check who it is, though he knows perfectly well, it can’t be no other than Sam. The other three laugh and keep chatting as he goes.

“Hey.” Sam is standing there at the other side of the door with a candid smile, though he does look like someone who needs to rest.

“Hey.” James really wants to hug him and kiss him, but as much as he does there is a bigger feeling that stops his body from moving. When there are other people around, he still isn’t very comfortable to be affectionate with Sam that way, though Sam seems to be unaware of the visit because he starts leaning in to kiss him. 

James feels bad from doing it, but with a soft gesture of his hand he slightly pushes Sam away embarrassed and moves out of the way to show him the others are there.

“I didn’t know you were coming today.” He clears his throat nervously.

“Oh… hm…” Sam looks at James confused and then sees Wanda, Peter and Shuri looking on their direction “I sent you a text, you haven’t read it?” Sam finally follows him inside and waves at the others “Is this a birthday party?” he chuckles.

“Mr. Wilson you should play with us, I’m gonna beat your ass.” Peter jokes.

“You don’t know what you are saying, kid.” Sam says with a smirk “Is this what you guys got him? This is pretty impressive… damn, my present is not going to be this cool.”

James takes his phone from the kitchen counter to check the text Sam was referring to and as he starts reading it he realizes something.

“Wait, you knew about this?” 

“Yeah, I did, they started asking me about our address, and like I trust Wanda, but these two?” he points at Shuri and Peter “I needed to know why they wanted it for.” 

James chuckles confused, there is again that feeling that tightens his chest, the feeling of fooling all these people into seeing him in a way he isn’t, as this perfect kind man who deserves all this love. He doesn’t feel that good, he is far from perfect.

“Aren’t you tired?” he asks Sam “Why don’t you seat?” he points at the spot he left on the couch “I’ll bring you something to drink… ah… but… first I need to go to the bathroom, one moment.” He quickly disappears from the room to the other.

“Alright…” Sam looks at him confused as he leaves but then seats down “So what’s this game anyway?” James hears him ask to Peter before he closes the bathroom door behind him.

“Fuck…” James says to himself again leaning on the door and then falling to sit on the floor. He isn’t capable of understanding why every time he felt comfortable with others or connected to someone, he starts immediately dreading all of it. Is he scared of them leaving, of them realizing he is not worth it, of them noticing the mask he puts on and not liking the man behind it. He isn’t Bucky Barnes, he isn’t the Winter Soldier, he isn’t Steve’s best friend, he is just… this. Whoever this man trying to not start crying in his bathroom floor again is. He looks down at his hand where he was still holding his phone tightly and he sees the message he didn’t read from Sam, he unlocks the phone and then opens it.

“Happy birthday. I wish I could have woken up there and made you breakfast. Better woken up next to you ;) I’m going to be there by tonight, I hope. We can go out, have dinner, whatever you want.” James keeps scrolling, and notices that even if that text ended, there is another one, small, simple, sent a few minutes after. Maybe, he thinks, there was hesitation on Sam’s part because he didn’t know how James could react to that “I love you.” he reads, and the words sink in a different way. 

A soft knock on the door makes him jump slightly.

“Hey, you alright?” Sam asks.

“Yeah.” he quickly stands up and opens the tap to clean his face “I just had to pee.”

Sam chuckles.

“Alright, because I need you to come here and see how I’m destroying Peter.”

“That’s not true!” Peter shouts from far away and Sam laughs again.

“I’ll be there in a moment.” he cleans his face with cold water, especially around his eyes, and for a few minutes he stays there doing the same, reducing the slightly redness of his face. This feels more embarrassing than ever, hiding crying in the bathroom when he could be having fun with his friends, it is close to rock bottom. 

When he opens the door to come back, Sam is still waiting for him there and looks at him reading right through him, there is a comprehensive but worried smile on his face and he holds him in a hug that he isn’t expecting.

“I forgot to say happy birthday.” he lies to create an excuse for the hug so James feels comfortable about it. He does. He is so grateful for Sam. He wishes he was braver to just tell him he loves him right there and then too.

The rest of the evening they spend it playing games and joking, it just feels like a natural thing to do, a normal reunion with friends, and James wonders when was the last time he did that without it feeling like a break between jobs. This actually feels like he is connecting with them, and it is truly terrifying and amazing at the same time.

When it gets late, Peter is the first one to go, then followed by Shuri, and finally Wanda. She hugs them both before she leaves, and as she is outside the door she smiles and looks directly to James and then at Sam with a knowing look. James raises his eyebrows surprised, and Sam chuckles slightly embarrassed.

“You guys are good together. It makes sense.” It’s the last thing she says before she leaves.

“She is so intuitive.” James says as they close the door and come back to the living room. 

“Of course she is, she is a witch.” Sam says with a tone that seems like he is joking but not quite really. 

James laughs at his facial expression and then sits down on the couch with a deep sigh as if all that day was exhausting. Sam sits next to him and pats his leg softly.

“How did the mission go?” James leans his head on Sam’s shoulder closing his eyes.

“Good. It was more complex than we anticipated, but T’challa was there, Sharon… Tic-tac, we are a good team, so we solved it as best as we could… just in more time than expected…” he explains giving James a kiss on top of his head as he finishes talking “How have you been? Do you want to go out for dinner?”

“No, you must be tired, I would prefer to stay here." he answers the second question first because he needs a bit more time to feel braver and answer the other "It has been okay, I guess. Less bad.” he tries to be truthful but is hard to explain “I worry about a lot of things that maybe I shouldn’t even be thinking about. I make myself terrified of things that aren’t there, and then I come back to reality and I feel like an idiot.” he moves to sit looking more at Sam, with one of his legs bend over the couch and the other one hanging on the side “I don’t want to burden you, or anyone with what’s going on through my head, you all have things going on, and your own things to worry about… and I don’t want to add to it… but I keep thinking about all these things… and never talking about them…”

Sam mirrors his way of seating but he puts his arm over the back of the couch, extending his hand on James’ direction. 

“You know you can talk to me.” 

“I know.” he extends his hand to touch Sam’s “but I worry if you know more of the things I have in my head, you are going to…” he looks down embarrassed “not… love me.”

Sam rubs his temple with his hand and closes his eyes with a worried frown. 

“James… please…” he says looking at him. Now, Sam has grown used to calling him Buck or Bucky, so when he slips and calls him James, he knows whatever he is going to say is more serious. Sam sits closer to him, his hand touches James’ face “That’s not going to happen.” Sam moves even closer, his arm is over James shoulder and they are practically entangled on the same spot holding each other close “Look… if I came to you with a problem, what would you do?”

“I will try to do whatever I can to help you solve it, or If I can’t then I would listen.”

“Then why you think if you do the same, it would be wrong?”

James stays quiet for a moment, his eyes look down, he feels embarrassed, Sam is right, but still is hard to really process that thought as valid for him, there is something, maybe the habit of thinking like that so much, that stops him for really accepting that logic as a solution, but he squeezes himself against Sam on a hug to say thank you in a way.

“You read the text… right?” Sam asks, his voice sounds softer, James nods and his chin rubs against Sam’s shoulder “There isn’t more than that, I know… I know relationships are complex but there is ironically something very simple about it, and that’s that I love you. You can know that for sure. The rest of the things, well, we can figure them out together.”

James separates from the hug though still sitting close to him, and shows him a soft smile.

“I love you t-” he hasn’t even finish saying the words and Sam is already kissing him, though he doesn’t mind it. He had wished to do that since the moment he came back.

The kiss becomes more passionate when Sam moves one of his hands behind his neck and gets him closer. James pushes him softly so he lies down on the couch as they continue kissing. They swift awkwardly so Sam can extend his legs and James can place himself between them, for the brief moment they don’t kiss they look at each other with an excited candid expression.

James can’t know what Sam is actually thinking, but for him this moment is becoming such a revelation. He is so scared of being vulnerable, but when Sam makes him feel so comfortable and so loved, he wants to share with him, he wants to bare his soul to him. He notices Sam’s hands moving slowly up from his hips under his shirt when he leans over to kiss him again.

“Is this what I get from saying I love you?” Sam jokes talking near his lips, and James burst into laughter leaning on his shoulder and near his neck “Why do you laugh?” Sam teases giving him a kiss on his jawline “If I had known, I could have said it earlier.”

“Shut up.” James laughs more sitting up again and this time being the one to wander with his hands under Sam’s shirt. Sam looks up at him and smirks moving his hands away from James’ body and up to both sizes of his head, James sees this as permission and helps him take the shirt off. He has to admit that Sam being so nonchalant about it makes him so much less nervous and so much more willing to continue, which is very new for him too.

He doesn’t even remember the last time he slept with anyone, and every time he kissed Sam in the past, they both would decide when was enough and it wouldn’t go further. He wonders if Sam had actually been respectfully waiting for him to make up his mind, which he really appreciates.

Sam flinches softly with a giggle as James traces with his fingers his forms from his shoulders to his collarbone to his chest, slowly learning for the first time every curve, every mole and scar, he realizes he had never seen before how Sam’s body has been affected by war, or did he even know about it, these marks tell stories that Sam hadn’t told him yet, and James can’t wait to know more, to share more, to be more with him.

James lifts his hands from Sam’s body sitting again over his legs and takes his own shirt off. His skin also has stories to tell that maybe he would never be brave enough to share with Sam, but he can show him now, because in this intimate moment, they don’t need to say anything else for the other to understand. He notices Sam wandering with his eyes and later with his fingers, from the marks on his abdomen, to his chest, and finally to his left shoulder where most of the skin is damaged with scars and reddened zones. Sam sits up, which leaves James sitting on his lap, and his hands make their way down James’ back slowly, he seems to be taking his time as if he is learning every inch of his body too.

They share another kiss slow and soft, and they smile and kiss again.

“You know…” James has his arms around Sam’s shoulder gently caressing him on the back of his head with one of his hands “...you definitely should have said it earlier…” they chuckle into each other lips, and then dissolve into kisses and laughter and caresses. When the rest of their clothes are about to come off they decide to move to Sam’s bedroom and in between clumsy nervous undressing, chuckles and passionate kisses, in a rush to discover each others bodies, they make love and feel closer to each other than ever.

A while later they are still lying on the bed naked, sweaty and tired, but they look at each other and still laugh softly. Part of James still isn’t sure if this just happened or if maybe he is having some sort of dream. Sam loves him. This is real. He hopes. At least he is looking at him with that smile that is so sincere.

"I need to ask you something stupid.” James breaks the silence trying to shut down his negative thoughts.

"You always say that and then you ask something cute." Sam mocks. 

James chuckles slightly embarrassed. 

"Can I use your bed when you aren't here?" 

"What?" Sam asks turning to lie on his side and look at him more directly "You can use my bed when I’m here too." he says with a confused funny expression “Specially when I’m here.” he insists jokingly.

"No, I mean that… when you are gone I miss you so…" he starts laughing and turns to face him too "Of course you would say that."

"Honestly, Buck, I think is kinda weird we are still sleeping in different rooms, maybe we should empty one of them and use it for other stuff and put the beds together in the other room and make a super bed."

"A super bed?" James shakes his head smiling "Do you mean like a queen size bed?" 

"A super bed is a much cooler concept." Sam says moving closer to him and putting the covers over them better. 

James thinks for a moment.

"Is it really such a big deal for you?" he asks doubtful.

“What do you mean?” Sam asks.

“That we don’t sleep together all the time, is that a problem?”

“I mean… no, it’s not a problem. I just love having you here.” Sam gets closer to him caressing his cheek and softly moving his thumb as if drawing his jawline.

“I… I love this too,” James slightly moves his face to kiss Sam’s hand “but I think I still need a place to call my own… right now… if that makes sense?”

Sam looks at him, comprehensive as ever.

“That makes a lot of sense.”

They both smile and share one more kiss, before they start getting comfortable to rest for a while, they would worry about dinner later. James turns around and Sam hugs him from behind but as they seem to start to relax Sam moves again. 

"Oh, shit, wait…" he gets out of bed and opens his closet to search for something "I forgot to give you this."

James sits on the bed observing curiously and Sam gives him a small perfectly wrapped package. 

“Uh… I thought you already gave me my present…” James jokes looking at Sam’s exposed naked body up and down. Sam shakes his head with a laugh.

"I know how important is for you to keep your memories somewhere so…" he gives him the present, and nervously waits for him to open it. 

When James finally unwraps it he finds a beautiful notebook with a black leather cover and a fountain pen. He opens the notebook and touches the blank pages and is a strange sensation, normally on his notebooks he wrote things from his past that he could remember and he feared could be erased from his memory again, but in this notebook he could do something different, he could write about the things on his present that he was so lucky to be living for. 

"Thank you." he says happily giving Sam another kiss. 


	7. NINE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter includes discussions of:** brainwash, violence, murder, weapons, suicidal thougths and death.  
>  **This chapter includes depictions of:** torture and PTSD.

James wakes up in the middle of the night, the rain hitting against the window unseattles him an interrupts a dream that was close to become a hellish nightmare. However Sam seems to be fast asleep, James turns around to look at him and notices his chest slowly moving as the rhythm of his breathing. Slowly, and trying to make the least noise he can, he gets out of the bed and goes to the living room. The rain sounds stronger pouring over the fire escape, as if the April showers were aggressively calling for his attention. The small drops hitting against the metal reminds him of a different time, and as he feels the tiredness take over his body he tries to avoid thinking about it but it’s too late.

It is night, or perhaps the place where he is has no windows, and he feels the cold deep in his bones. The machine where he is preserved opens and the cold vapor releases free into the room. His eyes open and his muscles seem to be active again, the weight of his own body proves to be too much for him at the moment and he has to be dragged by two soldiers to the next machine he will be attached to. 

An intense electric shock travels through his body, makes him scream in pain at the top of his lungs, instinctively his body wants to run, but his arms and head are attached to the chair. There is no use to force his way out, even if he tried, his body is weak, numb, and confusion and fear take over him. There is a man in a military uniform who walks by, he reads words that he would never forget, however his face changes, his appearance changes, even his uniform, at times seems like an elegant suit. 

Memories are tricky, especially when someone purposely plays with them, he remembers the torture, he relives it as if it was actually happening again, but he had been taken out of that machine so many times, he had been told those words by so many men, that they all are starting to blend together.

“Soldier.” he calls him, this it is something they all have in common.

“Ready to comply.” James mouth moves without warning, the part of him who wants to scream and run is deep under sleep, and now something else takes over. This man, this monster void of regret and remorse.

There is a gun in his hand or a knife maybe a rifle, and someone runs far away, or perhaps they are just at his reach. And he shoots or stabs or slashes, but he remembers how it feels the warmth of blood staining his hands and splashing his face. The missions are starting to blend too, though he knows in the confusion of the back of his traumatized mind, all those faces were real people, and all of them were dead now because of him.

He wakes up shaken, taking a desperate breathe in as he reaches forwards almost jumping off the couch where he fell asleep, his forehead drops sweat and his hand lean over the small coffee table in front of him. The night is quiet, there is no more screaming, he can only listen to the subtle sounds the rain makes against the windows, and his heavy breathing escaping his own lungs.

“What the fuck…” he says giving himself a moment before he stands up.

There is no rush, no worried Sam running to meet him, so he assumes this time his nightmare was quiet or his boyfriend is deep asleep. Boyfriend. That word keeps sounding strange to think about, but each time is a little less. He is glad, though, that Sam is asleep and unaware of his panic, that he can finally get a full night of proper rest, between missions and James own sleep problems, he often was kept awake, and James worried for him. 

As he thinks he paces around the room until he ends up standing, almost hypnotized, in front of the window that leads to the fire escape. The rain pours strongly, even more violently and the cold is trespassing through the window’s glass. James slightly shivers and takes a step back.

A small sound catches his attention as a wet scared white cat jumps onto the ledge and meows. He opens the window carefully and bends over to grab the cat and help it out of the rain.

“You don’t like rainy days either, huh?” James says petting its head as he holds it tight against his chest. The cat meows initially resisting but then comfortably adapting to the new found warmth. With his free hand James closes the window and then walks silently to the bathroom.

As the water runs to fill the bottom of the tub, he closes the door and leaves the cat down on the floor sitting right by it and preparing a towel for later. He checks the temperature of the water with his hand, leaning over the tub, at first is cold, but slowly it becomes warmer and warmer, when he finds it appropriate he closes the tap and the accumulated water remains calm. His own reflection looks back at him with a concerned expression. 

Instinctively, he puts both of his hands inside the water, he wonders if the water could actually wash everything away, the guilt, the pain, the shame, the blood off his hands… no, it feels way too late for that, and his metallic hand shining in a particular way under the water brings him back some of his worst memories, the sight of the life disappearing from somebody’s eyes as they drown and fight back with their last breath between his fingers.

A splash takes him back to reality. The cat, which was observing the water carefully from the edge of the bath, has slipped and fell on the water, it doesn’t seem to be fond of it, James is slow to react but quick enough to stop it from jumping around scaredly and making a mess of the bathroom. The cat isn’t going to get back in the bath without a fight, but James manages to gain its trust and after a long while he is able to wash it and dry it with a towel. 

“Are we going to be friends now?” He talks to the cat as he warps it in a different towel to keep it warm. 

The cat meows. 

James comes back to the sofa, the living room feels colder than before, the rain hasn’t stopped and it still makes him feel uncomfortable. 

The cat meows.

“It’s okay...” he says softly to the cat and to himself as he scratches behind the white fluffy ear. 

The cat meows.

He accepts it’s going to be another sleepless night, not ideal, but he prefers those to the ones filled with nightmares. He stays wide awake, often lying next to Sam, or if he feels he is going to bother him, he runs away to his own bedroom and lies there consumed by his own intrusive thoughts. Tonight he wants to change this, but it seems impossible when he sees his own reflection on the tv screen and feels like an imposter. Who are you? Who are you pretending to be? He asks himself.

The cat meows.

“It’s okay…” he says again, the cat moves around and he lets it go following it with a look as it wanders around curiously and ends up entering his bedroom "Where are you going?" he stands up and goes to his room too looking around trying to find the small animal, but he doesn't see it at first glance. 

The cat meows. 

The sound seems to come from under the bed. James gets on the floor leaning on his hands and slowly crawling under to grab the cat and get it out. 

The cat meows. 

"Come here." he protests extending his bionic arm near the animal, the black metal against the white fur makes a strong contrast, cold and warmth, hardness and softness, mechanic and organic. As it feels the metal near, the animal resists and escapes away jumping skillfully over his arm and not leaving him enough time to react "Fuck…" he rest on his elbows with some difficulty to not hit his head on the bed, in that moment he realizes where he is leaning, under that wooden board he hid his notebooks. A flash of guilt travels through his body, that was there like a secret, meticulously prepared in case he had to run. But what would he be running from now that he is starting to have something good? Himself? 

He lifts one of the boards from the floor and access the hole under it pulling out a heavy backpack. As he moves out he can see the small white and pink paws walking around the room, that makes him smile for a moment. 

The cat meows. 

James sits on the bed, opens the backpack and starts looking through the pages of the first journal he finds. Every memory is attached to a date even if some of them were written much later in time. 

_ August 8, 1962, I remember the bombs, I remember the fear in their faces, I remember being scared too and unable to act according to what I was thinking [...] _

He flips more pages and then drops the notebook next to him on the bed to look for another one. 

_ January 3, 1937, I remember Steve looking through the window. He was upset because he was sick again, I wanted to make him smile but I failed [...] _

He moves to the next journal frenetically. The cat jumps near him and curls on the bed silently observing. 

_ October 4, 1943, I remember undergoing physical torture. I refused to work for them, and my body was slowly becoming weaker. I sometimes still hoped someone would come help us, though the other soldiers are braver than me. I think they had killed Lohmer [...] _

The journals are out of order, they were all written as he could remember, and his mind at times will be a mix of trauma and anguish that wouldn't let him identify what was true. However, when he read the next one he is sure. 

_ September 10, 2014. I remember thinking Pierce looked oddly familiar, as if he was someone I ever cared about. Now it pains me to admit he reminded me of Steve. I remember the feeling of remembering myself. I was so scared. I still am [...] _

James closes his eyes and sighs, leaving for a moment the journals aside, and grasping strongly his hands onto the backpack. These notebooks are helpful, they truly make him feel connected to himself, remind him what happened was all real, but at the same time they overwhelm him, as if remembering was reliving and feeling all those things at once. He moves his hand, trembling and looks for the next journal, it feels newer in his hands. 

_ A day (the date is scratched several times) in 2009, I remember Natalia. Her red hair, her fighting style. I remember her brave stance, I remember her eyes burning through my mask. I remember shooting her. I wish I had remembered sooner. I wish I could have talked to her sooner [...] _

The cat meows, softer this time, it sounds tired. James is growing tired too, but he can't stop, this is what he needs, to remember, to never forget any of them. 

_ December, 1991. Tony Stark will never forgive me. I don't blame him [...]  _

He closes the next journal feeling defeated, even if flipping through the pages and only reading some extracts of his own memories, it becomes more and more painful. In the next page he opens there isn't even a date. 

_ Zola erases my mind. Zola tortures me. He makes me empty and cruel. That man's face will never leave my nightmares.  _

The backpack is almost empty, there are two more notebooks to read. 

_ April 18, 1958. That man had a family and I killed him. That man had a family and I killed him. That man had a family and I KILLED HIM. I remember his wife screaming his name [...] _

A pile of notebooks rest on the side of the bed, there is just one more, he thought he could take it but his eyes are starting to burn filled with tears. However, this notebook is different, it's almost empty, very new. He drops the backpack to the floor and then flips through the first pages. 

_ March 10, 2024. I feel fortunate. I have good people with me, the past haunts me, but they make me feel safe. I don't know what to do, how to thank them. Sam. I love him. I want to remember this.  _

He closes the notebook abruptly, sobbing. The cat meows but it sounds like a cry too, it moves slowly, the small paws press against James' leg and then it jumps over his lap to then rest his legs up on his chest and lick his chin. 

"Hey…" his voice breaks as he softly pets the cat's head which affectionately purrs "Are you grateful that you found a home? Someone who makes you feel safe? Or are you scared? Would you want to run away?" he asks thinking out loud, the cat meows in response. 

The door of the bedroom opens slowly and Sam clearly just out of bed, bare chest and only wearing pajama pants, looks inside, he seems surprised to find him awake, so he opens wider and enters. 

"Woke up to go to the bathroom and didn't see you, so I thought you had a nightmare and came here to sleep… Are you okay?" he sits next to James on the bed, carefully taking the notebooks and moving them aside. 

"I don't know." he pets the cat that is now curled on his lap. 

"Do you want to talk?" Sam asks moving closer and placing a hand softly on the back of James’ neck "Wait… is that a cat?" 

"It was meowing outside in the rain, so…" James says. The cat meows "I didn't have any nightmare… but I couldn't sleep either."

Sam slowly moves his hand from James’ neck to his back and leaning in closer, with his other hand he scratches the top of the cat’s head. They both stay in silence, the cat purrs softly, and Sam doesn’t have to ask more for James to feel like continuing talking. 

“I did so many terrible things, Sam…” he confesses not even looking at him “you don’t even know half of them… all those reports you read, all the information S.H.I.E.L.D. had, that Sharon, Steve and you know… that’s just the tip of the iceberg.” while one of his hands holds the cat on his legs, the other was resting on Sam’s knee, he moves it away to reach for one of the oldest notebooks and offers it to him “Would you like to know more?”

Sam takes the journal and just looks at the outside of it for a moment silently, he doesn’t even attempt to open it, and then looks up at James.

“I don’t have to know. Do you want me to know?” 

“No. I don’t even want you to know what you already do.” James tries to look at him but then quickly looks away.

Sam sighs worriedly.

The cat meows.

“The things that happened aren’t your fault.” Sam tries to assure him.

“Everyone says the same thing…” James complains sadly “but you guys don’t get it, it doesn’t matter how much I tell myself those things weren’t my fault, how I almost get convinced by those thoughts sometimes… because I remember doing them, they happened through me even if I wasn’t really myself…” James tries to stop himself but he sobs “...If I had died all those years ago, all those things would have never happened…” he cleans his tears with the back of his prosthetic hand.

“Buck…”

“I- I’m sorry… I…” 

“James…” Sam holds his face up and makes James look at him “...that you are alive is a good thing.” he says very determined and looking at him directly to his eyes.

“Yes… yeah… yeah....” James looks at him, his eyes filled with tears, he looks down and covers his face with his hands leaning over Sam and resting his head on his chest.

Sam surrounds him with his arms, he softly kisses his shoulder, they both are in silence, and the cat meows as it jumps to the floor and walks around.

"What can I do for you? What do you need?” Sam asks after a while. 

“I don’t know…” James says “I don’t think you can do anything about this… it’s just… I think I just need to sleep… I’m too sleep deprived and I need to rest…”

“Is that so? Do you want me to stay?” Sam asks worried.

James doubts.

“No. I want to be alone for tonight.” he admits sadly, hoping he didn’t offend or hurt Sam for asking him that.

“Okay.” Sam gives him a kiss and then stands up “Let me help you with this then, so you can go to sleep already.” he takes the notebooks out of the bed and puts them over the table "I don't know where they go…" he realizes. 

James observes him unable to say where they were originally placed, in that moment he is too tired to explain it to Sam, and he doesn't want to enter into complex details about his reasoning and feelings on the matter. However, it feels okay to see them out of the backpack. The bag is still empty resting next to his feet and he pushes it under the bed with his heel.

"It's okay, I will put them on their place tomorrow."

“If you need anything, let me know." Sam smiles softly, with that candid smile James loves so much. 

"Go to sleep, I worry you don't rest enough." James replies "I love you." he makes sure that Sam knows this. 

"I lo- wow" the cat runs around between Sam legs and enters the room, for a moment he has to stop on the spot to not trip "So we have a cat now, huh?" he looks at James playfully with an eyebrow raised. 

"I think so… maybe?" James softly chuckles.

"You better come up with a good name…" Sam jokes as he starts leaving the room with his hand on the doorknob "I love you. Good night."

James smiles at him, making a lot of effort into showing that expression, truth is Sam tries really hard and he loves him for it, but there are some times when he can't solve things for him, it is much more complex than both of them can handle. He starts considering if perhaps therapy is an option for him. He would have to think deeply about it. 

As he lies down tiredly, the white cat jumps next to him on the bed seemingly ready to get to sleep as well. James pets its head and then gets under the covers. When he is about to close his eyes he sees the notebooks on the table, he will have to find an actual place for them, still private and secret but more comfortable. Though he realizes why it doesn't seem so weird that they aren't packed and hidden no longer, maybe he doesn't want to run away anymore, maybe it's okay that this place starts to feel like a home. 

He keeps petting the cat, softly, with a relaxing rhythm, eventually, he starts feeling more tired, and his eyelids become heavier until he closes them. 

The cat purrs, and they both fall asleep. 


	8. HOMECOMING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter includes discussions of:** injuries and violence. 

James is walking down the street, he is aware people are staring at him, the arm usually causes that effect, but as summer approaches and the weather becomes warmer, there aren't many alternatives that to wear short sleeves. He is okay with his arm, he has slowly grown to love it because is Shuri's work, and now that is not so much related to fighting it feels less weaponized and more like his own limb. However, it gets on his nerves when people look at it a lot, even if he wears it proudly, the staring at times makes him feel out of place. 

He is on his way to meet with Sharon, they had decided to grab a coffee together, and he has to admit he is excited to see her in person because it has been a while since the last time they could. When he gets closer to the coffee shop he can see her through the window, her blonde hair casually up in a ponytail and she is looking down at her phone. 

"Hey." James calls her attention as he approaches the table. 

"James, hi!" Sharon looks up surprised putting her phone in her pocket and standing to greet him with an energetic squeeze on his shoulder and kiss on his cheek. 

"Did I make you wait?" he asks as they both sit down. 

"Not at all, you are just in time, I just got here early." she smiles. 

James casually looks at his phone to check the time, he is actually early too. 

"Hey, you don't use a watch anymore?" she points out kind of joking. 

"Phones are everything nowadays." he can't help sound excited "There is radio, camera… even a compass." he tries to look for the app. 

"It's okay, you don't have to show me, I know." she laughs. 

"Ah, well." he laughs embarrassed "It's fascinating to me. Phones had always been just phones to me, you know?" he leaves the device over the table "And now the last thing you do is call with it."

Sharon smiles fondly and it seems she is going to say something when the waitress arrives. 

"Have you decided?" she asks Sharon and then looks at James. 

"I would like a milk coffee" she says "but my friend here just arrived so I don't know if he…" both of them look at him. 

"Oh, do you have iced coffee?" he asks. 

"Yes, we do. Would you like that?" 

"Yeah. Yes."

"Alright, milk coffee and iced coffee, anything else?"

"Yes, actually, I want a piece of cheesecake." as the waitress writes it down Sharon turns to James "You have to try it, they make it really good."

"I will have one too then." he smiles. 

The waitress takes their order and leaves, now they are alone again and the silence that long ago could have been tense or awkward, it feels comfortable. 

"So, what have you been up to?" she asks. 

"Not much, trying to figure out what to do." he shrugs "Most of the time I'm just at home."

"Well, you deserve to rest too." she gestures with her hand "Don't be so hard on yourself."

"I just feel is the only thing I do, stay home." he sighs "I feel like I'm wasting my time, that I should be doing more."

"More like what?" Sharon asks, thought before James can keep talking the waitress comes back and places their orders on the table in front of them. 

"Thanks." they both say almost at the same time before she leaves again. 

"More like you guys." James says taking a sip of his drink "I want to feel useful again." 

"You want to come back to the Avengers?" Sharon arcs an eyebrow confused. 

"I'm not sure what I want to do… that's the problem." James replies confused. 

"Well, do you want help figuring it out?" Sharon says. 

"What do you suggest?" James smirks welcoming her advice. Usually Sharon is his confidant, they had grown closer on a level he didn't expect, the first time they met, she was another S.H.I.E.L.D. agent trying to put him in a cage, after that she was Steve's  _ friend, _ but now, he considered her his own friend, an actual good friend, and he knew he could trust her with many things that often seemed harder to share, and she had decided to trust him as well, which often he put in doubt but appreciated anyway. 

"If you had all the possibilities in the world, what would you want to be doing right now?" she starts eating the cheesecake. 

"Coffee and cake sounds good." he jokes. 

"Don't deflect." she points at him with her fork accusatory "You know what I mean, like a job or a career… something you would be passionate about…" 

"I have no idea…" he says, though in reality there is something on his mind, it has been for a while, but he thinks he may be judged or laughed at if he said it out loud. He tries the cake finally. 

"No idea? You never had thought about having any other career?" She insists probably easily reading his lie. 

"I mean…" he hesitates "There is something but, I don't know…" he puffs nervously grabbing his glass that feels very cold in contact with the metal. 

"Just say it, I won't even react." Sharon chuckles. 

James sighs leaning back on his chair and taps on the table with his fingers. 

"I have been thinking about studying actually." he admits. 

Sharon tries to hide her surprised expression, James shakes his head with a shy laugh. 

"I didn't have the chance to continue my studies after high school, and I'm not sure what could I do with my current skills…"

"Self-defense instructor?" she suggests though it sounds like a question. 

"Right… I was actually thinking about teaching too… but another thing, something that has nothing to do with violence." he leans on the table again as if he is going to tell her a secret "Maybe… a science teacher, or I could teach other languages, I know at least three other languages fluently." he explains. 

James pauses waiting for Sharon to react but she just waits for him to continue. 

"I also think I should find a job anyway, something that can help me save money and pay for my bills as I study… maybe in a place like this” he points around “seems like a nice thing to do and compatible with other schedule." he takes a sip "I know Sam would offer to pay but I don't want him to, I really want to do this… if i do it…" he doubts "...by myself."

"For someone who doesn't know… you really thought about this." Sharon nods surprised but clearly proud of him. 

"Well…" his nervousness comes out of him as a laughter again "I'm just not sure if It is possible."

"Why not?" 

"I don't want to escape from my responsibilities…" he looks down. 

"Which are?" 

James looks back up to Sharon whose look seems skeptic. 

"Fight alongside you guys." he says as if it was obvious. 

"That's not your responsibility." Sharon shakes her head "You are allowed to wish other things for yourself. You said it yourself, you don't want anything to do with violence. If this job isn't for you, you are free to go, you were a kid when you joined the military, we were adults when we made the choice." she smiles softly and shrugs slightly "Ultimately is your decision, but I hope you know we all just want the best for you."

"I do." he knows, but he isn't quite sure what the best really is. 

"So?" 

"So what?" 

"Are you going back to study?" she is almost finishing her cake. 

"Maybe." he takes another sip. 

"Maybe…" she chuckles "I'll take it. Maybe seems to be your answer when you mean yes."

"What do you know?" he says embarrassed. 

"Is like when I asked you if you were going to tell Sam about your feelings and you said  _ maybe, it is too complicated, Sharon _ ." she tries to make an impression of James but it sounds nothing like him "And you ended up giving him a flower like a dork." she smiles. 

"He thought it was romantic." James blushes.

"It's cute, I'm not criticizing." Sharon chuckles "Wouldn't you say it was a good decision to go for it? Aren't you happier? Would you be happier if you made this decision too?" she suggest. 

"If you put it like that, yes." James admits. 

"Then?" 

"Then…"

"Then are you going to look for schools?" 

"May- yes." he gives up. 

Sharon laughs triumphantly and it feels contagious, James ends up laughing too. It is nice to have a friend that he can hang out with and get out of the house, the cat doesn't have much conversation, and it is nice for Sam and him to have independence outside their relationship. 

"How are things going for you?" he is genuinely interested but also wants to change the topic from himself "What about that guy… Bron… Bren…" he jokes. 

"You know his name is Brandon." Sharon complains jokingly "And we are done for." she shrugs not seeming too affected "I'm doing fine in general, work is good, my friends are cool, my family is doing great." she lists "I guess everything is going good for me… I just need a break sometimes, that's all…" she sighs satisfied and then finishes the last bite of her cake. 

"Well, he is a douche, I don't need to know his name." James pauses "He is a douche, right?" 

"He is." she nods. 

"Then I don't have to know his name anymore." he smirks though he then pauses again respectfully "Do you want to tell me what happened?" he moves his plate in front of her, it still has half of the piece of cake "Also you can have this. I'm done."

"You are ridiculous…" she laughs "I really don't want to talk about it, he was just being an idiot… It seems I choose always the wrong men…" she gestures taking importance out of it, and then moving the plate closer to her, she isn't going to waste that cake "but you got lucky, huh? How is that going?" she teases clearly wanting to move the conversation away from her relationship. Maybe they were too similar and that's why they easily got along James realizes. 

"I thought dating Captain America would be harder." he jokes "But he is just a normal man, very down to earth." he keeps joking with a playful smirk that easily becomes softer when he starts thinking about Sam "And the uniform makes his body look great, that man doesn't skip leg day."

They both laugh. 

"Hey, it's nice to hear you talk like this." she is surprised and amused "You seem more confident."

James hides his face behind his hand for a second, the shame he still feels isn't comparable to the embarrassment of saying those words out loud in a public place. He notices like he is slowly coming back to himself, or better, becoming someone else, perhaps who he was meant to be, a much more confident person in his own skin, but it is a complex process and he needs time to adjust to the fact that things he would worry so much about eighty years ago now were pretty normal and acceptable. 

"I feel like it." he admits with a smile.

They finish their meal and after a while more chatting they part ways with a big hug and a bigger smile. James feels fortunate that he could hang out with his friend today and to know she is doing well, feeling happy. 

As he walks down the street he gets distracted by the grand amount of people, he feels lost and small for a second, but when the warm wind hits his face and the sun touches his skin the fear of belonging becomes a sense of being. He is there, he is alive, he is free, he can choose. A smile forms on his lips. Maybe things can change. Evolve. Maybe he can call this city his home again. 

A long while later he gets to the apartment, he is greeted at the door by his playful new roomate. The small cat is now part of the family, it was always fun to see how, every time they visited, the others would post pictures of it on their social media as if they all shared a pet. 

"Hey, Alpine, are you alone?" he asks the cat taking a moment to caress it softly before he walks inside the apartment and looks around. It seems Sam has been called on a mission and they have the place for themselves. 

Alpine follows him around and meows insistently, its little tag in the shape of a star clinks against its collar as it walks with quick steps.

"Are you hungry?" James goes to the kitchen and Alpine keeps following him rubbing against his legs and meowing "I will give you some food, don't be such a drama queen." he opens the fridge, gets canned cat food and pours it on Alpine's bowl "Here you go."

Alpine meows and instantly gets to eat making little noises that James finds adorable. He is tempted to pet it but he has learned his lesson during the past month that touching the cat while eating will make it mad, so he walks away and let it be. For himself, he orders chinese food feeling too lazy to cook, and spends the rest of the evening searching online for jobs and courses that may interest him. 

Time flies and he decides to stop for the day, even if he had felt especially motivated, he needs a break, tomorrow would be another day and he can keep searching with a fresher mind. He gets ready to go to bed, brushes his teeth and makes his way into Sam's room but then notices the cat following him. 

"No, Alpine." James pushes the cat softly with his foot almost talking to it like a baby "You go to my room, Sam hates when you get all your hair on his stuff…" he tries to explain but obviously the cat doesn't care and meows annoyedly when being pushed around. After a while trying to nicely make Alpine go away, he holds it on his arms moves it to his room and quickly closes the door. James feels bad but he reminds himself he has to be strong, tomorrow he would give Alpine more love. 

He doesn't remember when he fell asleep but a few hours later he wakes up noticing how someone is getting in bed with him, he is about to react startled when he smells Sam's familiar attractive scent. Sam gets under the covers not giving him time to even move, one of his hands softly touching James' side and the other placed next to him on the bed. Sam's head leans on his chest and kisses his skin. He doesn't say a word. 

"Long day?" James asks. 

Sam hands wander slowly ending up under James' body as if embracing him. James touches the top of Sam's head, his thick dense short hair, caressing softly until reaching his neck and then going back up to his ear, however as he keeps drawing on his skin with his fingers, he reaches his temple and notices something, a bandage. 

"Sam…" James gasps "Is this- are you hurt?" he tries to move to reach the switch to turn the light on but Sam doesn't move and keeps holding him close. 

"Please, don't." 

"Sam…"

"I'm tired…"

James caresses his head again, his fingertips wandering through his hair with care and making all the way back to his neck and shoulders. 

"What happened? Are you alright? Did you get check by medics?" he can't hold himself back and asks all the questions at once. 

Sam stays quiet for a moment, his breathe warm and steady caresses James' chest. He grunts moving his hands across James' back and sighs trying to find a better position. James moves to adapt to what Sam seems to want, and they both end up lying on their side hugging each other, however Sam is in a posture lower than usual, almost curling himself against James' body as if looking to be closer than close. 

"Sam…" James calls him again softly, now he can see better the bandage on his head with the partial light that enters from the street through the window. His hands lower and he notices there are more bandages around the abdominal area. 

"You know how this works." Sam says still with his face buried against James exposed skin "The physical combat can be rough…" there is something in his tone that shows effort as if Sam is trying to put on the cheerfulness he usually naturally exudes, but he can't. 

James worries though he knows Sam getting hurt is part of the job, he didn't want to think it would actually happen. 

"I got checked by the medics, it looks worse than it is." Sam tries to take importance out of it. 

"You don't even let me look at you." James complains.

"You don't need to worry needlessly." Sam moves leaning on his elbow and elevating himself, he groans in pain but tries to hide it, his body towers over James who looks up at him from the bed. 

"I'm worried anyway." James hands search for his face and cups it softly, in a way trying to transmit to Sam that he can tell him anything that is on his mind “Trust me.” he says.

“I do.” Sam sounds sad, he leans in, this time his lips search for James’ own and they share a short but passionate kiss.

Sam lies next to James again, both of their heads placed over the pillow very close to each other, their noses almost caressing the other, the room is still dark, and even if there is light timidly entering through the window, their eyes have to adapt to the darkness to barely distinguish each other.

“Sometimes I don’t think I know what I’m doing.” Sam admits, his hand softly wanders over James’ arm as he speaks, as if touching every shape and nook of the prosthetic relaxed him enough to talk.

“About what?” James asks.

“Ab…” Sam pauses and sighs “Being in this position is an honor for me, that Steve choose to pass the shield to me, that you also supported that decision, for me that meant and means a lot. Being Captain America is not only being a soldier, it is being a leader, a protector, a symbol… others look up to me now the way I looked up to Steve, the way many people did.” 

James moves closer, his left arm leaning over Sam’s side and touching his back softly, Sam does the same to him and they both hold each other, their faces just a few millimetres closer. James can feel the warm soft breath nervously coming out Sam’s lips as he speaks. He worries, if maybe this is becoming too much for him, if maybe the responsibility of carrying the shield weights heavier on Sam that he could imagine and he is afraid to admit he can’t handle it.

“Steve did an incredible job.” Sam continues “He checked all the boxes, and even if he challenged the government in many ways, they still backed him up as many times… but there is a very obvious difference between us.” Sam says bitterly “They can’t stand a black man in power in their precious fascist America… and don’t get me wrong, I don’t give a shit what they say about me, those aren’t the people I’m trying to save, those are the ones I’m going to stop.” his hands grasps stronger against James’ skin “but… fuck… some days are harder than others… and today when I was in the middle of the mission, and a few guys had me cornered, even if I succeeded at the end, for a moment I felt scared…” he admits sorrowful “Fear is not new, but for that second I questioned where I was and if what I was doing was what I should be doing… if perhaps Steve would have done something else.”

“Sam…” James says calmly “You are a noble, kind, good man who wish to help others, that’s what Steve saw in you, that’s what I see as well, and that’s why you still have that shield no matter what anyone wants to say." James assures him "I can’t imagine how you are feeling, or the pressure you have from the outside and you are putting on yourself too, but I know if you are in this position is because you are the man for it.” as he speaks Sam interrupts him for a second closing the few centimetres apart into a kiss, but shortly after it, James separates from him and caresses his face to tell him one more thing “And if you ever wanted to quit, don’t make yourself believe you are obliged to anything, do what’s best for you too.”

Sam chuckles.

“I don’t think that’s going to happen any time soon.”

“I thought you will say something like that.”

They both embrace again, Sam’s head rest on James shoulder searching for his neck with his lips. James smiles and kisses the top of his head struggling to hold back a small laugh because he feels tickling around the area.

“Your injuries aren’t bad then?” he asks again wanting to be reassured, because it looks like his boyfriend is looking to do more than just that and he is in the mood as well. 

“I’m good, it hurts when I move but…" Sam tilts his head to kiss James collarbone and move down to his chest. 

"What hurts? Let me take care of you…" James says right after. 

"My ribs…" Sam finally admits "I have fractures, but I'm fine, I just have to be careful." he quickly explains as his hands wander near James’ underwear. 

"Sam." James tone changes from soft to slightly bothered "Lay down right now, what are you thinking?" 

Sam laughs complaining with a noise when his abdomen moving makes his ribs protest. 

"I like when you order me around." Sam jokes laying face up as he was told. 

"Do you? Then stay there and go to sleep." James replies with the same playful tone, he is still in the same position but he gets closer to Sam's side and leans his hand on top of his chest as carefully as he can. 

Sam's holds James' hand over his chest and smiles. 

"Do you need anything?" James asks. 

"No. That you stay here where you are." Sam says happily squeezing him closer. 

"That I can do." James gives him a kiss on his shoulder "I love you. I'm…" he tries to say something but he feels embarrassed just thinking about how cheesy it will sound. Now that he looks back, his relationship with Sam had always evolved in unpredictable unexpected ways, and even when they made decisions that seemed to guide them a certain way, everything that came after, James couldn't have ever imagined either. Though he is now glad that what happened did the way it did. His feelings for Sam were one of the things that made him feel true joy, and he had never felt as loved by someone as what Sam showed him. He is lucky, he is happy, and when they are together, he feels like he belongs, finally. It seems complicated in that moment to find words to express it. 

"What?" Sam asks curiously noticing his pause "Tell me."

"I'm so proud of you. I always want to be here for you." 

They look at each other in silence, even if it is hard to see, and James can notice how Sam smiles wide for the sound he makes before he breathes near his lips to kiss him. 

"You always are."


	9. ONE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter includes discussions of:** anxiety.

James is looking at himself in the mirror, styling his hair with his hand, he has cut it several times since February, but now almost five months later, he is trying to see how it would look if he let it grow a bit more than usual. The hair is starting to fall over his forehead slightly curled, he likes it, he finds himself looking very attractive. 

“Hey, sexy.” Sam's reflection speaks to him as he enters the bathroom, James chuckles and Sam shrugs “What, wasn’t that what you were thinking? You are feeling it.” he jokes.

James shakes his head embarrassed but he touches his hair one more time until he is satisfied on how it looks, giving Sam an answer without speaking. 

“Are you ready?” Sam asks leaning on the doorframe as he patiently waits with a smile.

“Yes, I am.” James stands in front of him as if waiting for Sam to be the one who steps out of the room first, exchanging with him a look an a smirk that perhaps would have ended in something more if they didn't have somewhere else to be. 

"My sister texted a few minutes ago." Sam breaks eye contact getting out of the bathroom "So we should get on our way too."

"Alright." James follows him. He can't deny he is nervous, even if he had met Sam's family before, now it feels different because they were a couple. "Do you think Darlene will be disappointed I cut my hair?" he says instead of asking other scarier questions revolving around how his family would see their relationship. 

"She will live." Sam chuckles grabbing a bag with all the things they prepared to go to the beach and then starts walking towards the entrance, grabs his keys and goes outside.

James goes after him taking the red and blue beach umbrella, which he recently bought excitedly the moment Sam told him the plan to go to the beach with Sarah and the kids. Sam smiles at him as he waits outside to finally close the door and leave. After a few minutes they are on their car going to pick the other three. Sam gets out of the car to help his sister put their bags on the truck, and James waits sitting nervously on the front passenger seat. Jody helps his sister sit down on the back seats and put her seatbelt on, then does the same for himself, a few minutes later, his mother sits down next to them and finally Sam comes back to the driver's seat as well. There is a moment of silence that makes James nervous but right before starting the car Sam smiles at him confidently and that partially calms him down.

“It’s nice to see you again, James.” Sarah says.

“It’s nice to see you too.” he replies showing a smile and trying to hide his nerves.

James turns around slightly and smiles at her, from his angle he can’t really see her since she is sitting right behind him, but as he turns he can perfectly see Darlene moving her feet around hanging from the seat.

“Hey.” he says softly to her and he moves his left hand to grab her foot jokingly.

“Wow.” Jody can’t even hold back his reaction when he sees James’ bionic arm right in front of him.

Sarah pats his shoulder as if reprimanding her son's reaction, though she also seems surprised. James realizes in that moment that the other time he had met them before he was wearing thick winter clothes and they hadn't seen his arm exposed before. He is used to feel observed because of his arm when other people look at him down the street, but he wasn't expecting it would happen with Sam's family. There is a small awkward silence while James just turns around and sits properly looking forward to the road. 

"What?" Sam mouthes at him, he was concentrating on the road and didn't realize what just happened. James shakes his head and then gestures that he should keep looking forward. 

A while later they arrived at the beach, Sam parks the car and they all get out to pick up their bags and beach utensils. Sarah gets their umbrella while her son helps with the bags, Darlene jumps excitedly next to them. Sam and James wait for them and then pick their things as well, the trunk door feels heavier than usual when James goes to close it lost in thoughts.

"You guys go find a place." Sam says noticing already that something is wrong. His sister and her kids start walking towards the sand and he turns to look at James “What? Overthinking?” he says knowing that usually when James didn’t want to talk about something he would say that.

“I always think these meetings are a bad idea.” James confesses guiltily “I want to get along with your family, and I know the last time we had fun, but I still feel like I don’t belong here.”

Sam looks at him sadly, for a moment he doesn’t say a word, normally so eloquent and ready to comfort or support him, clearly the topic of his family is harder to just simply understand, he wants James to connect with them but at the same time he wants to respect his boundaries, the conflict is clear in his face.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean that I don’t like them, I just feel like maybe they aren’t going to like me…” James sighs uncomfortable “I want to be part of your family because…” he nervously looks around and talks lower “I love you…” his expression turns apologetic partially feeling guilty again for not being able to express his feelings freely “but I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time when I’m around them…”

Sam looks at him silently still, his expression changed from worried to more calm, he sighs softly and it turns into a smile, his hand moves to hold James’ but he realizes in time how his partner wouldn’t like that in public, so he places it on his shoulder and squeezes.

“Just be yourself, that’s how you make people love you.” Sam’s hand moves away and grabs the beach umbrella that he left leaning over the car, then starts walking away “It worked with me.” he smiles.

James follows him slowly getting behind, being himself is a hard advice to follow when at times he isn’t quite sure who exactly he is now, but he gets it, it is Sam nice way to say don’t overthink it and just act normal. He starts walking quickly to catch up with him and walk by his side.

“Besides… my sister already likes you" he slows down to wait for James "...she just thinks you are shy, give her a chance to realize you are not.” Sam assures him shrugging with a smile as his flip flops touch the warm sand “And if something goes wrong, I’m here, so don’t worry.”

James nods silently stepping in the sand as well. It is a strange feeling receiving the sunlight so directly to his exposed skin on face, legs and arm, he can remember coming to this beach, to the amusement park, so many years ago. He looks back and up, Cyclone towers over everything much taller than he had ever seen it. Coney Island unlocks so many memories on the back of his head and they made him smile satisfied that he is able to stand there and look back. It is incredible to be in that place hundreds of years later.

James leaves the bag he is carrying on the floor for a moment and takes his shoes off, the feeling of hot sand under his feet is extremely satisfying. He grabs the bag again and carries his shoes on the other hand. Sam had stopped a few metres away and looks back at him smiling. 

"What are you doing?" Sam asks curiously once James approaches him. 

"I like the sand between my toes." James replies happily. 

James sees, he knows it so well, that Sam makes a pause and looks at him that special way when he is thinking about kissing him, he stands there mentally fighting himself, taking a step forward closer and smiles, Sam smiles back at him but they don't get nearer or kiss. 

"We are here!" Sarah's voice calls over the loud sound of the many people at the beach "We are here." she repeats and waves.

They both walk side to side and find Sarah and the kids already under their big umbrella and getting ready to go to the water. Jody is inflating a floater for his sister while his mother, already showing off her bathing suit, covers her in sunscreen. 

Sam puts their umbrella together and sinks it on the sand in the spot his sister got for them, James observes silently again trying to take in that for real something as normal and comfortable as a day at the beach is an option for him nowadays. He looks around again, to the people, to the sand, to the sea, it almost seems like a dream. 

"Are you going to swim?" Sam asks noticing his look at the sea, as he opens the umbrella and makes sure it stays in place. 

"I don't know, are you?" James replies leaving the bag on the sand again "I may stay here and sunbath… it feels nice."

Sam smirks. 

"I didn't know you liked the beach so much or I would have suggested it before." Sam extends his towel over the sand and then takes his shirt off leaving it over the towel. 

James can't avoid looking him up and down when more of his skin gets exposed. 

"I think I'm going to go play with the kids." Sam replies delayed as he smiles satisfied with the reaction. 

"Uncle Sam." Darlene stands next to him holding her floater "Do you want to swim with me? I know how to swim better now." 

"It would be my honor." Sam smiles at her and holds her up in his arms, then winks at James before he walks away. 

Sarah meanwhile is putting sunscreen on her son who complains all the way through telling her how he could have done it alone. James quietly listen to their banter, it kind of reminds him of Sam, and smiles while he prepares his towel, takes off his shirt and starts looking on the bag for his crossword magazine. 

"Aren't you going to the water?" Sarah asks, James looks up from the bag and realizes her son is gone running to meet Sam and Darlene.

"For now, I won't." he replies timidly "I think I'm going to enjoy the sun and do some crosswords." he shows her the magazine "If you want to go with them I will be here, I can take care of everything."

"Oh, no, don't worry." Sarah says shaking her head "I prefer to stay here too, I don't really like the beach, but my kids go crazy." she sighs happily "God bless my brother for being how he is, they have so much fun with him." she looks at the distance and observes them playing at the shore.

James observes too, Sam is carefully helping his niece get on the water while his nephew swims around. The three of them seem to share a special bonding moment and that warms his heart. The idea of maybe someday forming a family together crosses his mind, but maybe they are just too old for that, or maybe not… it’s a weird mix of feelings, seems crazy to think about it now. However, being accepted and welcomed into the Wilson family feels perfect. He never thought he would feel like this again, with all his actual relatives gone, but all his friends, had proved him wrong. He had a new family, that was it.

"So crosswords?" Sarah points out "To keep your mind sharp?" 

"To relax." he tells her "It helps me focus on something, calm down, it helps me with hmmm" he pauses doubting if talking about his problems the first time they have a long conversation would be a good idea "...my anxiety." he decides to finish the thought. 

"Oh… I see, sorry, if you need to do that, then I will leave you to it." Sarah seems slightly disappointed that their conversation would end there. 

"No, no. I prefer talking to you." James says very frankly. This is the opportunity Sam was talking about and he wants to take it. 

"Ah, well." she looks happily surprised "I was hoping we could, I just know what my brother tells me, and I was curious to know you for you."

James smiles at her as well, he likes this, it feels like progress. They both talk for a while, a long time, but it feels like it passes by very quickly as they share thoughts and anecdotes. James is glad to know more about the Wilson family, but especially, he likes to hear old stories about how Sam used to act as a kid. 

"And then he would tell us to be responsible, but Gideon and I remember how he used to be and would tease him about it…" Sarah says laughing. 

"What are you talking about?" Sam arrives observing them with a playful smile, the kids come running behind and quickly grab their towels. 

James moves their shirts away putting them in the bag and let Sam take his own towel, his body is dripping with water and James catches himself looking at him lingering. Sam smirks and they share a look for a moment, James feels embarrassed for being so obvious but he can't help it, Sam looks so attractive. 

"I was telling him that you were so annoying when we were kids." Sarah jokes making sure her daughter is drying herself well. 

"All lies." Sam jokes as he dries himself with the towel, then puts it around his waist and sits on James's towel next to him. 

"Tell him about that time dad caught you sneaking out of the house, I vaguely remember, I was too young to know all the details…" Sarah keeps teasing. 

"Why are you trying to ruin my reputation?" Sam says jokingly "I only show Bucky my good side." 

James chuckles and shakes his head. 

"I just wanted to go out with my friends." Sam tries to explain "My dad thought it wasn't a good idea if I had class the next day."

"Such a bad boy." James jokes. 

"He almost falls out of a window." Sarah continues. 

"I didn't have my wings back in the day." Sam shrugs it out "Dad would have gone crazy if I had, can you imagine?" 

"They would get confiscated." the siblings share a laugh after what seems an internal joke, James simply smiles enjoying the moment, he could get used to this. 

"Uncle Bucky." Darlene calls him and for a moment he has to process what she just said "Do you want to play with me? Mom bought me a cube to make sandcastles." she explains. 

James observes her paying close attention, he feels so touched by the fact that she decided to call him uncle that he feels he would literally go to the end of the world for her. 

"Of course I want to play with you." he accepts her suggestion while she happily goes get her utensils for sandcastle making. 

James turns around to sit at the edge of his towel and play with Darlene, Sam lies down on the towel, his head ends up near James' thigh, and he closes his eyes. Meanwhile, Jody and Sarah decide to start playing a game of cards. 

A while later, James and Darlene had made a small castle, and a couple of sand blobs that Darlene insist are turtles. Sam is waking up from his improvised nap and by instinct turns around and kisses James on his leg. James goes tense for a second but he can't be mad when looking down he sees Sam's sleepy happy face. Sam incorporates and looks over James' shoulder trying to see what they had made and then chuckles. 

"Me and uncle Bucky made a castle, look…" Darlene proudly shows Sam. 

"Has she been calling you uncle Bucky the whole time?" Sam says softly and low with his head leaning on James' shoulder "That's so cute…"

James chuckles and caresses Sam's head, softly playing with his hair. It feels like a challenge to himself to stay like that, to touch him affectionately in a place that isn't the private safe space of their home, and he still can't do it for too long. When he stops Sam moves and stands taking off his towel and extending it on the sand. 

"Do you want to go for a walk?" James asks him. He notices how Sarah looks at them and laughs softly, but Darlene seems disappointed that her playmate is going to leave.

"Yeah." Sam replies taking one of the shirts and putting it on "I will bring him back soon, don't make that face." he says to his niece "She already likes you more than me, this is incredible." Sam jokes with a dramatic tone. 

James smiles apologetic to Darlene and then stands grabbing the other shirt and putting it on as well. He realized the moment he does that Sam is wearing his and he is wearing Sam's, and even if they don't fit well, it feels nice and comfortable. 

"I'll keep an eye on your things." Sarah offers. 

"Thanks.” Sam says to his sister as they start walking away “It looks good on you." Sam points at his shirt on James "Red."

"That looks good on you too." James replies "Tight." he jokes and Sam smirks.

They walk in silence getting close to the shore, they just keep each other company as the sand softly sink under their feet. For a while, the busy beach and the noise mutes the peaceful crash of the waves, but they keep walking until they find a calmer emptier zone. 

James looks back to wait for Sam, his feet are leaving prints in the sand and at times Sam's are sinking over them. He decides to sit down near the water, the waves crash softly against his skin, and Sam sits next to him in silence. The sound of the ocean is overwhelmingly beautiful and he tries to take it in, his hand lands on the sand near Sam's and he makes the effort of moving it a few centimetres to finally touch. Sam reacts surprised seeing him make the first move but reciprocates the touch. 

"I have been meaning to tell you something, I have been giving it a lot of thought… I wanted to find a good moment, but there is no need for that, I just want to say it." James says looking at the water "I think I'm not going to come back to the Avengers." he admits for the first time out loud. 

"I see." Sam moves closer to him, their feet barely milimetres away from each other sinking in the wet sand. Their legs softly clash when Sam is trying to sit better "I'm glad you made your decision."

James turns his head to look at Sam, he is looking at him with a comprehensive expression, of course he is, it always makes James feel comfortable, he feels sure he can share with him everything on his mind without judgement. 

"I have been looking for jobs, but also for colleges where I could keep studying…" he continues, Sam's hand under his hand "I think I want to try and pursue the things I couldn't when I let myself be convinced the military was the only option."

"I saw you were marking things on the news papers but… I wasn't sure if ask…" Sam admits "Any luck?" 

James isn’t surprised Sam already noticed, it wasn’t as if he was trying too hard to hide it, but he felt too dubious to admit it to him before being completely sure about it.

"There are a few offers I'm applying for and… I think I found a place to study as well… I can show you more at home…" James notices Sam's thumb slowly caressing his hand and that makes him smile "I want to try and have the life I thought I would never have…" he confesses honestly. 

"Are you becoming an astronaut?" Sam chuckles and James laughs as well "I love seeing you want all those things." he says more serious "If you need me to do anything, help you in any way, you know… "

"I know." James leans in and for surprise of both of them he kisses Sam on the lips for a short moment, then separates quickly. 

Sam looks at him incredulous but with a big smile on his face. 

"Hey. You- you just kissed me in public." Sam estates the obvious maybe trying to believe it himself.

"I'm trying." James says "I'm trying to be the man I always wanted to be, nowadays, some of my fears don't feel as big… It is still hard, I struggle a lot with many things but… I'm trying." Sam grasps on his hand becomes tighter and he smiles again "I'm sorry if sometimes is frustrating being around me."

"James, don't." Sam shakes his head "You don't have to apologize to me for anything."

"I can't help but feeling I do… I want to be able to make your life better too, like you do for me." James looks down at the sand where their fingers are intertwined "I want to better myself, and I know there is a lot of path ahead for me to get there, even if I know now I'm better than I was months ago… but like you said, it's a constant thing… I’m still not sure about getting… hmm professional help, I’m thinking about it… I may seek it… " he looks up at Sam's face again "bu I- hmm... I'm very glad you are here with me to go through it."

Sam looks at him with a touched expression, he holds his hand and elevates it until he can kiss it and then smiles. James doesn't try to move or hide this time and smiles at him too. The ground didn't break, the sky didn't fall, no one cared to look at them, James feels some of his anxieties slowly fade, though nothing is ever as simple as that, he is glad to realize at least now he is able to hold the hand of the man he loves in public without feeling like a bad person. 

"Do you know what makes me really sad about all this?" James says playfully. 

"What?" Sam asks with a mixture of confusion and curiosity. 

"That I won't see you wearing your uniform as often." he jokes.

"Hey, I can bring the suit home any time." Sam smiles playfully. 

James laughs. 

"I would love that."


	10. FREIGHT CAR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter includes discussions of:** trauma, and PTSD.

The chair is uncomfortable and cold, James hasn't got used to it yet, but he sits straight and quietly trying to distract himself and not think about it while he listens to another member of the group speaks. He has been going to therapy for a couple of weeks now. After a long while thinking about it, he had decided to give it a try. He could always drop out if he didn’t feel comfortable, and he almost every day thought of the possibility. When he made the decision, he talked about it with Sam, and so he recommended James the place where he used to work, and finally he joined a group that reunited once a week. 

It was hard, it still is, right there and then sitting on that chair, looking at those others faces. The other members of the group sit in a circle, they all look at the one who speaks and nod understanding. The psychologist in charge of the session, invites every person to share their stories, feelings and developments since the last time they spoke, and let’s others initiate conversations when there are topics they have in common, and they can help each other with their own experience and insight. However, even if James can see how this seems helpful, he prefers to stay quiet unless he is directly spoken to or requested to tell what’s going on with him.

He looks around the room, so many different faces, so many kinds of people, they all ended up there, one way or the other, war, trauma, grief, had led them to be sitting in those chairs. James can understand and relate to a lot of things, but he had avoided to mention things about himself that he thought they may not relate to, man out of time kind of deal. 

He sits up again, changing his posture, crossing his arms over his chest, trying to keep a neutral expression that doesn't transmit his worry, but a pair of eyes meet his own and he can't run away. When the person speaking finishes, he is asked to follow. 

"Would you want to share something new today, James?" Rachel, the psychologist, speaks calmly and looking at him directly. 

"Something… new? Hm…" James pauses "I got a job recently. Finally. Erm… things are good at home too… I mean, sometimes I’m not sure what is good to keep or say to Sam, but I’m trying to communicate with him as honestly as I can.”

Rachel nods seemingly approving his words, though not interrupting just wanting for him to continue speaking, which makes James slightly nervous again.

“The nightmares are there though, sometimes I still wake up with my heart pumping out of my chest and the feeling I’m back in a terrible place. It always takes me a moment to realize I’m just in my apartment on the bed.” he feels the look of the other members of the group right on him, some of them nod, some of them silently observe with certain distance, he gets it, every experience is different and he understands not everyone can connect with him the same way, but he can’t help feeling a little judged. 

“That’s normal… things can’t just go away, but it’s good that you are communicating with your partner, having a support system is very important.” Rachel firstly speaks to James but then looks around the group, as if saying this is applicable to everyone “It is good to have an honest and open communication with your loved ones…” she continues with her usual calm tone, but James' mind drifts away and stops listening. She is right, he knows the influence and support of those around him had changed his life for the best, perhaps he would have felt extremely more lost if it wasn't for them, but even if sometimes her words clicked with him, most of the time he realized he still felt like an outsider in that group. 

Talking about himself and his feelings, even if he hid things anyway, used to be easier when he was younger. He used to pretend confidence and he started to believe it, but now he feels like whatever is on his mind is too much to tell, that it would be overwhelming for others to carry the burden with him, and his false confidence is a clear lie he can't tell himself anymore. 

"...It is like a train with different cars." Rachel seems to be explaining with an analogy "You can separate the passengers in each of them, and them at the same time would be separated from their luggage…" she continues "Some people will go out first, maybe on the first stop with smaller bags, and after a longer trip some more with heavier suitcases…" she smiles "Every train has a destiny, and every trip is a difference length, so don't worry, eventually you will get there."

The explanation seems logical and easy to understand, James can see clearly what she means, that the smaller steps forwards are steps too, but he can't avoid thinking maybe this train will just kill him again. 

When the hour is up and everyone starts leaving, Rachel calls him aside for a moment. 

"I noticed you were specially quiet today, did something happen?" she asks worriedly. 

"No, just trying to adapt to all this." he replies awkwardly feeling like he had been called to respond to a major general. 

"Next time you could voice it with the group." she encourages "I'm sure more than one person it is still adapting just like you, and it would be great for them and for you to see you aren't alone."

James nods and Rachel smiles. 

"Yeah…" he replies not sure if there would be a next time, he starts moving to the door "I will try my best."

"Good." Rachel celebrates "See you next week."

"See you." James leaves, and it feels liberating. He can't wait to get in the car, drive back home and never come back. He thought he would feel guilty about these kinds of feelings, but he was growing tired of hearing himself overthinking. 

With his hands over the wheel and his eyes fixed on the road, he can't help but smile to himself. He is still trying to figure out who he is now, or who he can be, and the truth is hitting him in the face right that instance. He can't possibly just know, he barely is starting to live, and every part of the process of living and letting himself live would eventually lead him somewhere. 

"Damn…" James chuckles "Rachel is good."

It doesn't feel like the big ground-shaking life realization he seemed to need, but it is a starting point to give himself a break. Maybe he isn't ready to deal with therapy as a frequent thing, but now he knows for sure, and he isn't afraid to make that decision. 

He just needs something he thought he wouldn't have. Time. People always say time flies or runs, but for James, time seemed irrelevant, stuck, rewound and forwarded in a scratched tape that holds recordings of an old vinyl. But as he spins the wheel, as a turntable, he feels like the power is in his hands. A phone nowadays could easily hold any information and record with such clarity that he could ever dream. 

This second, or third chance, what seemed like a curse, to be out of time and alone, had actually showed him that what he once romanticized and remembered with nostalgia was fogging his present with doubt. There are so many good things he experienced, felt and saw for the first time, that he sometimes almost denied himself to enjoy, and now, now it just seemed stupid. Things wouldn't just change out of nowhere for thinking it, but they definitely will start moving in another direction, and he feels a relief he was hoping to feel for a long time. 

When he arrives at the apartment, the sun is almost gone, and he finds Sam sleepily watching tv as Alpine rests on his chest. That sight only makes everything worth it. 

"Hey… you are back." James says softly leaning on the side of the couch to kiss Sam's head. 

"N-no… You are back." Sam says opening his eyes slowly and smiling at him "Alpine and I are almost done with… eh…" he looks at the tv confused clearly having slept through whatever he was actually watching before "Hey, did you change the channel?" he caresses the cat's head jokingly taking to it and Alpine responds with a purr. 

James chuckles. 

"Come on, let me make you dinner, and then you need to go to sleep." James pats his shoulder and Sam stands up holding Alpine against his chest like a baby. 

James laughs softly.

"Are we becoming that kind of people that are parents to their pets?" he asks. 

"Weren't we already?" Sam jokes and softly caresses the cat's tummy with his thumb. 

After a while they sit down at the table, salmon fillets steam on their plates with an abundant mix of vegetables on the side. 

"So, how did it go?" James asks starting to eat. 

"Tic-tac and I make a good team." Sam smiles fondly when talking about Scott "Not gonna lie, he annoyed me so much at the beginning, but now when we have to team up I'm thankful… he is a good man, and very smart and creative when it comes to problem solving, but he just talks a lot…” he complains but not making a big deal out of it.

“Oh, do you miss me? Your silent partner.” James jokes.

“I miss you, yeah.” Sam tone sounds more serious and he does a small pause that makes James think he is about to say something but he doesn’t “How did your day go?”

James sighs.

“I went to the store and then to the therapy session. The shift was pretty normal, calm, we didn’t have many clients, though I spent at least one hour with an old lady…” he chuckles “Well, she was probably twenty years younger than me…” he shakes his head “but she wasn’t really sure how and what she was buying, and apparently my younger coworkers have no patience…” he shrugs.

“Are you after employee of the month?” Sam jokes.

“I honestly was just feeling bad that no one seemed to care to help her.” James says disappointed “Technology is great and all, I’m truly fascinated by all the advances and advantages, but nowadays, everything evolves really quick, and older generations may not be able to adapt to those changes... it’s not bad to be kind and help someone to understand how things work, and be patient if they take time to understand. At the end, she got her groceries done, so I’m glad.” he smiles.

“You talk as if you aren’t  _ older generations _ .” Sam teases again.

“Well, my mind and my body are still young, as much as I have been living in this world for as long as I have, I would say I have it better than most one-hundred year olds.” James chuckles.

“And you even have discount at the zoo.” Sam dramatices with his tone as if that was a terrible crime “Have you asked it for it, though?” he keeps teasing “Your senior card.”

“I haven’t… I probably should.” James laughs and Sam can’t help but do the same.

“You seem to be feeling better lately. Happier.” Sam points out “Is therapy helping?” 

James smiles softly though partially sad, he isn’t sure if Sam is going to be disappointed when he tells him what he really thinks of that.

“I don’t know if it is the therapy…” he pauses, ironically taking Rachel advice to speak frankly about his feelings “I feel really strange there.” he admits “After the reunion today… I’m not sure If I want to come back, though it had definitely made me realize how I feel and what I want.”

“What do you mean?” Sam frowns confused.

“I realized that this time, what I’m living, it is a new chance in life and I don’t want to waste it. I know there are still a lot of things I need to work out, and things I want to learn and change, but I prefer to do them at my own pace… I thought I was ready to go to therapy, but I don’t think I am yet, so I prefer to step back and keep trying. I know I have you guys to support me too, and for now, I just want to try and live.” he looks at Sam wandering his expression with his eyes as if trying to find an answer, if maybe he would be disappointed or angry that James isn’t just following what is normal to do, or that he is such a difficult person to understand.

However, he can’t read him. Sam seems serious and quiet for a moment that feels longer than it is, he simply sits back in his chair and observes him as a response. 

“Do you think is wrong?” James asks partially scared.

“No.” Sam answers shortly.

“Tell me what you are thinking.” James insists.

“I… hmmm…” Sam looks up at him still showing a concerned serious expression “I want you to be happy and to support your choices but I… I worry.”

James smiles bitterly.

“I want to help you.” Sam continues.

“You help me a lot, continuously, you are the most selfless and caring person I know, and when I’m with you  **_I am_ ** happy.” James assures him “But the thing is, now that I’m starting to explore and discover myself again, I don’t want this person to become a burden to you. I want to be your partner. The same.” he extends his hand over the table for Sam to hold it “You know?”

Sam holds his hand and nods.

“You are. There is no doubt about that.” Sam moves closer to the table again “It makes me happy to see you grow into yourself, to feel comfortable and capable, and to make your own choices... but I know how you are sometimes, that when you show you are feeling better, at the same time you are afraid to show when you feel worse, that you think is a step back... I need you to know that it’s okay to feel both ways, and anything in between, and it’s okay for you to come to me when you are feeling any which way. Alright?” Sam says very serious.

James smiles, this time there is no trace of pain or guilt, he genuinely does so because he feels fortunate and loved and grateful for it.

“I will. You will do the same for me, right?” 

“Of course.” 

“Because you never ask for anything, or expect anyone to do anything in return for all you give and do for others. You truly are an honest good man.” James says almost amazed by how real that description of Sam feels “I want to be able to be there for you as well, and to help you through when you are the one down. Even if I can seem unprepared, I can do it.”

“That’s not true.” Sam says quickly “You have all the experience in the world-” he pauses with a small smile “I’m sorry, sorry.” he apologizes right after “I don’t think that of you, I just don’t want you to worry, you have things to deal with on your own.”

James shakes his head with a smile he is trying to hide because he wants to be serious, but he can’t help it. Sam is like that and he is always capable of making him laugh.

“I’m going to worry about you anyway.” he says sincerely “So it’s better to know about what instead of just worry in general about everything.”

“I see. Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah. Let’s lean on each other and do this together.”

“Sounds good.”

They slightly lean over the table and kiss lingering for a moment and smiling into each others lips. After a while they finish their food, clear the table and sit down on the couch to watch tv, even if James keeps insisting Sam seems tired and should go to sleep early. Alpine keeps them company taking over one of the cushions, and the three of them stay there just comfortable enjoying a movie for as long as it last.

When they are getting ready to finally go to bed, the two of them almost by habit stand together in between rooms to kiss goodbye and then go separate ways, however, this time, James seems to hold onto Sam longer than usual. 

James is thinking to himself, than the right thing to do would be to let him go to sleep on his own, that specially tonight that he seems so tired after the mission he should sleep as long as he can, and lately his nightmares were coming back in strong waves that he knew wouldn’t let that happen. But he wants to sleep holding Sam, he so wants it.

“What?” Sam says as he notices how they are hugging for a long time right in front of the bathroom door. 

“Do you want to come to my room?” James asks.

“Of cours- but are you sure? If you do this, then I will be there all the time from now on, this is opening the pandora box of me sleeping in your bed.” 

“That’s the weirdest sentence you have ever said.” James laughs “But yeah, I’m sure.”

They get into James’ room and Sam gasps and jokes as if he had never stepped inside ever before. James chuckles as he opens the bed and lays down, then being followed by him. 

“You know…” Sam says quietly when the room had gone silent once they both are almost falling asleep close to each other “The other day I fought a guy dressed as a bat and who claimed he was a vampire.”

“What?” James asks confused.

“Explaining that in my report was the weirdest thing I ever said.” Sam says frankly.

James laughs leaning towards him and placing his head against his shoulder in an attempt to stop himself from laughing louder.

“Shut up. You are too much. Go to sleep.” he says between laughter.

“It’s true.” Sam laughs against James’ hair. 

James looks up moving his head to finally be again at the same eye level and gives Sam a kiss, still both of them having a laugh with a certain silliness coming out of them for the tiredness they felt and absurdity of the moment. When they are calm again, and the room goes silent, James turns around with his back to Sam, and Sam puts his arms around him to hug him while sleeping.

James smiles to himself. Almost a year ago, he stood in front of a door wondering if he could make himself feel at home again. Now, he realizes no place feels more like home as the moment he is living in that very second, or as the ones he lived accompanied by his friends. 

The bed that night, even if soft, feels comfortable, and after the longest time, his mind and body perhaps truly feel at peace too.

This is soft, he thinks, and he is okay with it.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _(turns chair around and sits) So you have gotten to the end of the fic, huh?_
> 
> Thank you so much for coming with me in this adventure, it was a total experiment exploring one of my favorite characters in the MCU, he has so much potential and he is so complex, I really wanted to make this story as a tribute to him! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, really, thank you so much!!! <3
> 
> \---
> 
> Also, while I was writing this fic, I had the idea for another which would act as a PART 2, but that will take me a long while to get ready, so the only thing I can tell you right now is that: it will be called **Commemorate** , and will be from Sam POV, continuing the story together and exploring his own!!
> 
> I’m very excited for that journey too! :D


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